Lady Shae; Shady Lady

Ah Lady Jaye. I'm not going to review her. Rather Just recommend her. She takes the winning Renegades Scarlett mold and succeeds in un-toonifying her. Super.

And not a bloody BFG in sight. While we get nothing new, we do get the most finely sculpted GI Joe small arms produced in recent years, some of which sport superb paint detailing right out of the package. I love this figure. Love it. Bravo my Has Bro's.

Retaliation Firefly: Luge Expert

Where to begin? How about the write up, woeful replacement for the filecard that it is.

First off, has copyright law gotten to the point where we now need a ® and an asterisk? It makes for one ugly blurb. Yes. Text can and should be aesthetically pleasing. But this package fell out of the ugly tree and most certainly hit every branch on the way down. Subsequently run over by the ugly truck and thrown into the ugly bin.


So FIREFLY®* lights up the night on his blast board? Extra points for being a discreet ninja saboteur there. Lucky for him, in reality it is not as 'power-charged' as the blurb would have you believe. The lights are weak at best. But more on that later.

It goes on to say it's loaded with explosive canisters. Umm. I count one. And there is no capacity for a spare. So I guess that's a little creative license on the part of the author. And I guess saying 'loaded with explosive canister' sounds less impressive, even if more honest. Always a spoonful of deceit with your helping of action figure. And that is the most deadly feature of all.

So he rides this badboy into battle? There had better be pretty decently paved roads leading into the fray. Preferably on a downward slope.

Now this is just insulting. This photograph is reproduced three times on the package and once more in the illustration on the instructions. And in not one of these images is Firefly gripping the handle. How the hell is someone supposed to get a "power up" glow off of these suckers if not even the manufacturer can get him to grasp them? Bad enough the light is insipid. But once you manage to wrap his hands around these... nobs, the piping is ineffectual. Yeah. The forearms do not light up. Deceit!


But let's assume for a minute it did work,  what's the gimmick supposed to denote? That Firefly is some kind of cyborg who draws energy from his recumbent bike? Maybe he shares Gambit's mutant ability and it is in fact he who powers the board. I don't know. Could care less. Wasted too many words already.

But as an added bonus, there is some exposed piping on the bottom bringing out some engine detail. Very Fast And Furious of them.

I'm not sure about having the explosive canister being dispensed in front of the vehicle, unless this is the first luge in the world to have a reverse gear. Needless to say I will easily ignore this feature. Hell, at this rate, the luge will most likely wind up in the BFG drawer, forgotten.

And Firefly himself? Well let's get the tragic news out of the way. Single knee joints and no wrist or ankle articulation. Ya know, ten years ago I wouldn't miss them. But ignorance is bliss friends. We have been spoilt and a gummy plastic Joe with these joints absent channels this blight:

But beyond that and the green needing a paint wash or two to dull it down, the sculpt is a winner. I love how the collar and head sculpt evoke him:

                                    


So that if I didn't have this guy already

I could whip up a nifty custom.

There are some decorative paint apps that scream Dreadnok. Hey, they had a pirate on a flying triangle.  A luge rider wasn't much of a departure.

And then there's the alternate head. Very evocative of the standard soldiers populating the Metal Gear Solid world. I like it, and gives the figure that army build potential, because let's face it, this ain't Firefly.

And here's some pure vanilla. The dinky holsters are functional. And removable. And the guns aren't half bad. Mounting a sensible automatic on the right for detailed work, he's got a massive revolver on the left for all out mayhem. 

And the sculpts are new as far as I can tell and fun. A little bit of paint could work wonders to bring out the detail and make them look a little more metallic, I shall no doubt get stuck in when I get back to the good ol RSA. Unfortunately the revolver does have a sloped grip, and without the innovative wrist tilt articulation, the result is less than satisfying. But hey, for a time, movie figures were denying us functioning holsters completely, so I'm gonna just smile and nod.

Final verdict? If you are after a Firefly version to usurp your POC or 25th Anniversary versions, give him a skip.

If reductions in articulation irk you, avoid this figure.

If you can't stand blister card space taken up with gimmickry, leaving the figure with next to no accessories, this figure is not for you.

If nothing I've said put you off, he should be very available in a toy store soon! Whoop whoop.

I bought a Mint In Sealed Box GI Joe toy...

The experience of opening one of these vehicle boxes, I mean. I never had the experience of having this tasty little Fanta boat as a child.

And what a joy the opening a minty-mint GI Joe vehicle was to a young-un. Assembling. Sticker...ing. Dispatching it on its maiden mission. This is why we still collect no? Chasing the rainbow of nostalgia. So with glee I snatched up this gorgeous, little, rather old box. It was as if fate had placed it in my path. Some 26 years ago, this toy came into existence and began its long wait, moving from shop to shop, it's ultimate destiny to come into my hands. Such an exciting prospect. Or at least that would have been the case if it had in fact been Mint In Sealed Box.

No friends, this was a resealed box with fully assembled contents, decals applied and even a healthy dose of play wear. What a joke.

Clever bastards put a little clear tape over the factory tape to make me believe its seal was intact. I am the fool. Pity.

Nerd RAGE! And even more sad, it did not contain a catalogue or a 'Free GI Joe Action Figure Body Transfer'. To this day, I have no idea what that is.

The real joke would have been me shelling out four hundred Sing Dollars for this:

Yes, I know it looks like a sealed Crusader Shuttle, the box is in pretty tip top shape but open it up and you get one beat up, yellowed, pre-assembled and then later disassembled toy. Oh for shame. Let me expose you, you disgraceful shitmerchants.
Very Cool Stuff in the China Square Central mall is a heartbreaking affair. Meticulously repackaged vintage toys of varying (typically shitty) condition.
The Crusader was going to be my Xmas self gift. Dodged the bullet and got this pretty but ultimately less fun Skywarp. But I wanted to take Joe to space, ma!

Best Masterpiece Transformer vehicle mode ever. The robot has 99 problems but the Alt Mode ain't one. Hit me.

If nothing else it has strengthened my resolve to get that Defiant Launch Complex. Because I'm just absurd like that and will then be forced to buy a house to keep these monstrosities.
Brings me to an interesting point: those of us who are toy-crazy and live alone, is your place overrun with figures and vehicles? Or do you restrain yourselves? Jokingly I let my habit all hang out these days and my room looks thus:

Bless the women who have passed through my door. They must be some kind of desperate to go for a 28 year old man child who falls asleep under the watchful eye of Charles Xavier. Or maybe it'll help me find a female me. Because that's just what this world needs. Chicks who play with four inch soldiers. Love at first fight. Pew-pew

Swag 3/12/12

Oh yeah. Mint in box 1985 original found in the wild here in Singapore. Whattasay bitches? Here be treasurrrrrrrrr. Other fun things just to fill up space. But honestly, I've never been so excited about the Devilfish. Oh the joy of original A Real American Hero shizz. I tell you, I did a backflip in the mall when I found it. But to quote (some other very funny article you should Googlesearch), assuming the boat is symmetrical, what the fuck is the dude on the back sitting on?

There is a one-eyed grey dog in my room

So this drought is hitting us hard, right? Last article I wrote was almost two full months ago. It was about some goofy aqua Volkswagen by a brand called Dickie Toys. It's still not funny The Podcast is suffering too. No new Joes is hurting our hobby. But my toy horizons have not darkened. They've just altered course. And these pastures are emerald.

I write this from a hotel room in Singapore, my home for the next three months. And let me tell you, here be treasure. The big ticket I wanted to track down in my time here was the fairly recent release of the Imperial AT-AT.

Found that on day 2.

At Toys R Us.

Piss.

My parents deposit money in my account with the instruction to 'buy something nice - not a giant toy'. Fools, I say. But I love them so. And I love my AT-AT.

Not that it matters much, but this is the Return Of The Jedi release, with sexy old-skool packaging and a case of shit-foot. That is, the feet have brown imitation mud paint apps. Hey, it doesn't bug me, and it's never gonna be traipsing around Hoth anyway. No snow in sunny South Africa where it's going.

Which brings me to a dilemma. How the hell am I gonna transport this? I bought my Millenium Falcon in Shanghai back in '09 and stopped myself from snapping it together completely as the instructions proclaimed 'Warning! Parts are a once-off fit'. Meaning once you marry those parts, none may tear them asunder.

No such warning this time.

I put it together on my big day with reckless abandon. And now there is no going back. I guess I'll be boarding the return flight with a AT-AT hat-hat. Or Bak-Pak. Quarantine period on plastic dogs? I say thee, nay.

Fuck practicalities. I only have to worry about them when I blow town in three months anyway. And I wasn't gonna just marvel at unassembled parts on my birthday.  Lets talk film. If you read my post on the Cobra WOLF you may know that one of my favourite cinematic sequences of all time is the battle of Hoth within the first half hour of The Empire Strikes Back. The buildup. The payoff. The neat set pieces and clever action. And thanks in most part to these ominous lumbering giants. What a fantastic device. As a child, if I didn't have time to watch the film in its entirety (like if I was just having a ham sandwich and Nik Naks lunch), I would fast forward the tape to the first appearance of the walkers and watch until the Falcon blasts off. Needless to say, that section of the tape fuuucked out from overwatching. If I had this toy as a child it would have ousted the Cobra Hammerhead and BUGG as my ultimate favourite vehicles. Now I know it existed. There were a number of releases between 1981 and now, but as far as I can tell, this is approximately twice the size. It's obscenely huge. Not scale accurate, but certainly a decent compromise. Lets be fair, a true 1/18 scale AT-AT would be the size of an adult bicycle.

Yeah. The adult kind.

Okay, so what does it do? It doesn't walk. I can't  say how many times I've had to tell people that it doesn't walk. It's an Imperial Walker, right? And while it would be neat to have it remote controlled, us long time toy lovers know better. If the damn thing walks itself, it's no longer a toy. I'm fingering a remote; while my grey dog plays with itself. Boring. Besides, if the internals of this beast were cluttered up with mechanicals, there would be no room for all of this goodness.

The cockpit, while cramped, can accommodate six, the real thing couldn't do better. A little cramped, but 'A' for effort, Hasbro.

The sexy red screen is see-thru. Much better than a lame sticker. Siiick.

Mandatory spring-firing missiles are my favourite flavour- unobtrusive.

The cannons simulate recoil and are piped to allow light up feature.

And a sneaky handle allows you to manipulate the head.

That's just the head.

The internal space of this behemoth is adequate for a troop compliment of ten I'd say. You can deploy them using two anchor-style winches and these badboys can be winched back in and tucked away quite handsomely.

The internals are nicely detailed with these mystery bits. Handholds? Binoculars? Jackhammers?

But my favourite feature?

You know you got the baddie craft when it comes with a self-destruct feature. Simulate Luke blowing the shit out of the AT-AT! Great success...

And check what it craps out. 100% awesomeness.

About the speeder bike, I'll say this much, it's gonna stand up to a few botched ejections- the plastic is the bendy kind. That said, the bike locks in place nicely so won't likely go flying. And it retains the function of the earlier releases - pull up the footrests and the engine exhausts close. Always a little counter intuitive that feature. Surely it would be smarter for the default position to be closed, and as the pedals are depressed, the exhausts open and the speeder accelerates? They got it backwards. And it's brown and not grey, so these are the way more famouser bikes from Jedi, unlike the ones that we NEVER SAW in Empire.

It also boasst the full dialogue and SFX track from Empire via sneaky buttons scattered about. And there is an interior light or two that coincide with the sounds but come on, I buy this stuff so I can go 'Pew Pew Pew... KABOOOM' on my own.

So the verdict?

If you like Star Wars, buy it.

If you like the '80's, buy it.

If you like big toys, buy it.

If you can't afford it, ask Santa.

If you don't want this, thank you for your time, but this blog ain't for you.

Next article, a GI Joe toy or bust.

'Off the furniture, boy'

Surf Wagon

Manufactured by a company called 'Dickie Toys' (yup), this is one sweet bus. Rubber tyres, pivoting front wheels, friction-powered back ones, detachable surfboards, accurately opening doors and hatches, and a solid level of detail, without breaking bank as much as a Hotwheels or Maisto. Plus this puppy is amply large enough for modern-era joes.

The Find

So the story goes I was visiting a buddy who was serving time in the Goodwood Correctional Institute. Yes, I do that sort of thing all the time. But the powers that be needed to conduct some kind of roll call that day and none of the prisoners were available for visitation. With Goodwood a stone's throw away from Parow (not really, but any excuse will do), I decided to make a pilgrimage to the main branch of Factory Toy Shop.

Back in the day, but definitely post '94, Factory Toy Shop was the last place surviving GI Joe stashes could be found. Celebrated items like the Thunderclap and Sky Raven, and not so celebrated items such as the Radar Rat and the entire Battle Corps line from '92 could be found there, typically at dirt cheap prices. I only wished as a 13 year old I had the financial clout I now have as I would have bought up everything that bore the letters 'GI JOE'. Hindsight=20/20. But on this fine Saturday morning on the 20th of March 2010, I went into the store knowing full well that even Factory Toy Shop's backlog of old stock had been depleted over a decade prior. I was just going in for old time's sake really, not expecting to buy anything at all.

In the boys' action toys isle, on the floor beneath baskets of old Mighty Max stock lay a dusty old box. Emblazoned on the black top flap was the word: Tomahawk. I wished I could have had an out-of-body experience at that point to note my reaction, and the overt double-take as the realization dawned. At first I thought 'empty box'. And then I picked it up. At second I thought 'repackaged box, filled with broken bits of junk'. And then I saw the once-familiar factory tape intact. At third I thought this is too good to be true while noting that they were asking for a paltry R230 for it. Needless to say I did not let it out of my grasp until she was paid for and resting on the passenger seat beside me. On the way home I kept fondling the box in disbelief. Sure, she had seen some sunlight in her 22 years of shelf-life, but the box was in an acceptable condition with no bumps or dings or scratches or scars. With any luck, that held true for the contents as well.

I think long before I reached home that day, I had decided not to open it. Not only was it a killer find, it is also my favourite GI Joe vehicle ever produced. I obtained a loose one in my early 20's and, love it as I do, I still have no desire to troop build the vehicle.And yet, they were typically featured in pairs... This just brings me to the conundrum: To open or not to open?

I do not collect Mint in Box toys. I can think of nothing worse than owning these fantastic toys, but at the same time not. Owning the potential of toys, if you will, but in reality only owning a collection of colourful boxes. Crushed under the weight of not being able to open them for fear of ruining the commodity. I suppose it's different if you have loose specimens to enjoy and play with, and hell, if you have the means, why not? Curate your own museum of boxed items, celebrating exactly how lucky we were as children to have this stuff in the kind of abundance we did. It's not within my financial reality to do this however, and so the one Mint in Sealed Box Tomahawk in my collection begs a whole host of questions: Do I open it? If so, under what condition?  My unconceived  son's thirteenth birthday, assuming he digs Joe? My deathbed? Am I being a little too dramatic? Should I even care? Would the maximum joy to be had from the damn thing be for me to do it now, while I live for my hobby, before my life gets swept up in real world concerns? Should I just forget about it, push it to the back of the cupboard and forget it ever happened? Should I make a Youtube video of me backing a car over it?