WHALE versus Hammerhead

Killer WHALE

Cobra Hammerhead


It's on.

 In February 2006 (I think), the G.I. Joe Waterborne Hovercraft Assault Landing Experimental or WHALE came into my life. I bought it as a birthday prezzie for my pal Rob. It's always been a fan favourite, being released in 1984 (a really superb year for the line, and incidentally the year of my birth), and done up in a great scheme of 'Joe' green on a black plastic skirt. I loved this toy, but not being my own I longed for it as much. After five and a half years of Rob's WHALE exclusivity, I decided to get my own.

Normally I'd go into a discussion of the real-world purpose of the WHALE, but this page does it far better than I. Ah the joys of the interweb! The link does the work so well, that I'm going to rather write about a possible engagement between a WHALE and a Hammerhead.

Why those two, you ask? Well the likelihood of them facing each other is pretty great. WHALEs would typically be deployed in an amphibious assault scenarios and Hammerheads are deployed as coastal defenders. The linked article describes a possible mission scenario where a WHALE is used for a clandestine four-man team insertion. On this particular occasion a lone Hammerhead crew discovers the Joes.

Backed up into the treeline overlooking the beach, the Hammerhead sweeps the seas before it with its sensor array. Decimator peers out at the endless blue with his image intensifiers, alternating between night vision and thermal imaging. Two miles out to sea, Cutter, G.I. Joe sailor and skipper of the WHALE performs a similar task from his command station. The hovercraft is in possession of a range of noise-reducing wizardry making it uncharacteristically quiet. They had made good time covering the 90 miles from the Joe mothership, the USS Flagg. The next phase was critical. The craft had to navigate a shallow river leading inland where it was to deliver its cargo. Having spotted the river mouth, Cutter sets a course correction for his first mate, Topside, who swings the nose of the vessel to starboard and opens the throttle. In the guntubs Rampart and Deep Six begin sweeping their sectors of fire even more vigilantly than before.

As the WHALE veers right and races towards the river mouth, Decimator catches a glimpse of the warm speck of the WHALE's hot engine block. To protect the secret of his ward, he has standing orders to prevent any unauthorized landings with deadly force. He wastes no time, briefing his crew that they were going weapons hot and engaging any confirmed target. The trouble was that the target was too small and too quick for a missile lock. Even the sophisticated ordinance of the Hammerhead needed a stronger target than the WHALE was providing, so the order is given to start up the engines and pursue. The Hammerhead springs to life and tears off onto the white sand, reaching a top speed of 40 miles per hour. Decimator swings his command pod to track the WHALE as both vehicles began to close on each other. With less than a mile between them, Decimator satisfies himself that they are indeed tracking a small vessel and fires off one of his surface-to-surface missiles. The missile tracks well, arcing upwards and coming down onto its target, but undershoots, striking the water behind the nimble hovercraft. Witness to the flash of the missile launch, the WHALE's four .50 deck guns clatter into life, spitting glowing tracer fire onto the shoreline. At the wheel of the Hammerhead, the Eel driver whips the vehicle left, ramping it over a dune and putting a wall of sand between it and the incoming fire. By this time, Topside swings the nose of the WHALE towards the shore and begins shelling with the dual 40mm cannons. With shells exploding mere metres away from the Hammerhead, Decimator orders that they escape inland and head for the river in order to deploy their arsenal of attack craft.

What happens next? You tell me. Come on. Comment. I dare ya.

Killer W.H.A.L.E review

Braving one of the smellier parts of Johannesburg, I give you some action shots of this beaut. I still smell like sewerage, thanks.

Here it is dear readers, the Killer WHALE, making boys fantasize about big green hovercrafts since 1984. Based on real-world hovercrafts used in the Vietnam conflict (most specifically this craft), the WHALE became G.I. Joe's most oft used light watercraft and seeing use in most of Joe's naval operations. It's regarded by fans as one of the premier pieces in the line. It can travel on land (practically by use of four trolley wheels beneath its skirt) and water, as it really does float quite well. It crews two, can hold a further two crewmen in two gun tubs, has a troop capacity of four in a cozy concealed cabin, and a compartment for a sled, which I suppose could also contain a sled operator or diver. A push plunger makes the rotors spin providing imaginary propulsion, a lever allows a rack of depth charges to roll overboard one-by-one, another button launches the sea-sled from its compartment in the fore of the craft, it comes with an included scout bike, removable machinery covers, two box launchers with a total of eight missiles, a drop-down ramp for troop deployment, dual cannons, a fantastically molded naval Joe by the name of Cutter. There couldn't possibly be more bells and whistles on this craft. It is an enduring classic and a strong reminder of the heyday of soldier toys.

Torpedo makes a stealth insertion. Smart move since a noisy hovercraft would certainly attract any unwanted attention away from Torps' appraoch, allowing him to get on with the dirty job he's no doubt been tasked with. I don't care what you say, this little thing is hella fun. And it shoots out of the nose of the WHALE at such a blinding speed that it literally falls to pieces. Every time. Fun!

Enough gush. I pride my reviews on pointing out the weakness of a toy. The WHALE's biggest flaw is the frailty of some of it's parts. While it is a sturdy craft in the main, its fan assembly is the big bitch to find in good nick. Each individual vane is made up of two flat portions joined in two places by thin plastic. While this was a design implemented to make them bend realistically, in truth too much bending would stress the vanes to the point of cracking. This is made only more likely by the age of the plastic. Another area of weakness is the box missile launchers. They attach to the craft using three opposing teeth - two face forwards, one faces back and that lonely one has to cope with a lot of strain when detaching/attaching the box. Mine broke somewhere between the ebay seller taking pictures of the vehicle and partial disassembly for packing. It's the risk we all take and I don't begrudge him for not noticing.

It must get really tiresome keeping your knees up all the time. And hitting rocks with your toes must suck bigtime.

The bike is woefully undersized. It reminds me of the vehicle packs of 1988 when you try to place a figure on it. But I think as a child, I could have easily suspended my disbelief and loved it to bits. To think the designers had a spot where nothing much was going on, they could have left it open, or doubled up the depth charges, but instead opted to add some new play value to the toy. Did I say I was going to stop gushing?!

100% stud. And do you know what this skipper's Filename is? Skip A. Stone. Ha ha ha.

As already mentioned, the WHALE enjoyed a great deal of exposure in associated Joe media. It had to. For as long as I can remember it is the only Joe seagoing vessel in its class. And to this day remains so. Sure, the APC and Warthog are amphibious but they can't match the WHALE's speed, agility and firepower. While by no means a ocean-going ship, the WHALE can nevertheless take to the open sea but will primarily shine in swampy environments where conventional hulled watercraft or land vehicles will not be able to move.

Cannons, machine guns, removable covers, missiles. This sucker's got it all. And, fearing the worst, I decided not to put my superglue job to the test - the missile box is stuck on with Press-Stick. Check that sweet Killer WHALE design. I love signature vehicle decals. Especially when the fire missiles out of their blowholes.

In short, if you don't have this vehicle, get it. It is a premier piece in any Joe collection. Beautiful, realistic colouring, a paragraph-worth of features, a great size being large but not obscenely so, and an intricate sculpt full of the little details one can expect from the Joe line's zenith. Did I mention how much fun it is to glide this thing along the floor going 'Vrooom'? Well it is. Very.

Another dawn, another jungle, another mission. Yo Joe!

Regrets

Every bought something and wished you hadn't? I remember thinking that a few times in the Transformers world. I don't know what I was smoking when I got a G1 Galvatron. That toy sucks. Especially the cartoon-accurate one I got. And to top it off, fresh out of the box, his electronic sounds and lights did not work. Fresh batteries ... nada.

In the Joe world my biggest regret? Snake-Eyes. Half a dozen 3rd Generation versions of that guy and my undisputed Snake is the first one I got, 25th version 1. The rest go into the box and never see the light of day.

The Corps!

Poor man's G.I. Joe. Transformers had the Gobots,

The price sticker on the front of the card was R6.99 

Trips me out. 

Note I diligently crossed out the two Gobots I owned at that stage. As if I would one day own them all.

I don't.


and G.I.Joe had The Corps! No, I'm not expressing my excitement. The exclamation point is actually part of the name. They hit the scene in '86, back in the heyday of 3 3/4 inch plastic anti-terrorism. They were and still are made by the company that brought us the original and best Super Soaker - Lanard. While the Joes were always my number one toy, The Corps! had their time in the sun in my collection. I got my first Corps! figure in the late 80's, he was a black-clad ninja with a crossbow and backpack of arrows and molded blades.

Known to me only as 'Black Ninja' this guy was one cold killa...
That is the original backpack by the way. 

It was before the Joe ninja explosion and for a wobbly-toothed five-year old with an 80's hangover, ninjas were the bizness. I played the hell out of that toy for...

... a day. Then it disappeared. All that's left is the backpack.

My next two Corps! came in a two-pack card. Bought for me by my buddy and neighbor, Justin Segers for my 8th birthday. Here are the two criminals:

You know the mark of a knock-off toy is the cardback not having colour. But very impressively these guys did have dossiers. And a two pack? Can't beat that. Interestingly they were carded one on top of each other, so like a 'snip strip' of Nik Naks, you could cut it in half and perhaps give it to a pair of twins for their birthday?! Whew. Long caption

Large Sarge and Hammer. My lonely only Corps! guys. For some reason, I refused to call Hammer Hammer. I guess the compulsion to shout 'Hammer Time' when he was on the job put me off. Whatever the reason, he became remembered as Fox. When I was about 11 or 12, G.I. Joe dried up. The Corps! however, gained momentum. Maybe it was the absence of any real competition, but Lanard started pressing some very decent vehicles.

I longed for the 'Ambulance' and 'Troop Carrier'. Very real world, and quite obviously designed in a later era. But alas, they were the two that never appeared locally

APC's, attack helicopters, trucks, re-release of their original tank and boat from the '80s, and this beaut -

With opening doors and bonnet, and glass windscreens, it was easily superior to my VAMP.

Back then, the closest thing one could get to a Hummer, was the G.I. Joe Hammer. Well, not really. I never saw one on shelves in good ol' SA, and was never partial to its over-designed look with no windscreens. So this toy got a lotta love from me and my pals. But more importantly, it came with three new recruits to give Sarge and Fox some company.

Their names are indelibly burned into my memory. They were the bad guys who gave Joe a decent run for their money. I distinctly remember being very off Cobra for a time. I wanted a believable, real-world group of terrorists and mercenaries for the Joes to fight, not a bunch of weirdos with a reptile fetish. These five hombres were the ticket.

From left to right: Large Sarge, Fox, Carlos Duarte, Boomerang Billy, Razor Ramon. All bastards.

Fox was the sniper; Large Sarge the explosives and heavy weapons guy; Boomerang Billy hailed from Down Under who came with a backpack loaded with his signature weapons; Razor Ramon (another dude I renamed, good thing too. Lanard called him 'Tony Tanner', ugh.) -he was a sadist and master of torture techniques; and finally Carlos Duarte, The Skorpion With A "K". That was his name. He was a South American warlord with ties to all things illicit from arms to drugs to slavery. For warlord with ties to the arms trade, it was most conspicuous that he had no thumbs, but Lanard never did crack robust enough plastic with their o-ring figures...

The thumbs didn't last long. But many good men and women died by those stunted hands. Bastard.

So these figures were the bane of Shockwave, Scoop and M.P. Man's life (see this article).

Then, flash forward a bit and my buddy Rob was tooling around in Tygervalley Mall and found two packs that together held pretty much every o-ring Corps! figure and included a jeep. Probably for less that R80 too. What they lack in thumb strength, they make up for in value! So either Carlos had a bevvy of reinforcements or these figures were my new protagonists. And for a short time, they were. Well, two of them. Before I had a Dragonfly and the original Wild Bill, I had to make do with the horrible blue and white Battle Corps version (Battle Corps was in fact a G.I. Joe subset. Confusing). It was not a very good figure. So a Corps! figure became the gunslinging chopper jockey on my missions. And he even came with a Native American sidekick tracker and co-pilot. And their names? Shooter Sam and Tracker Tom. Uh huh. Good for a laugh for sure.

You can't fight it. Joe had Spirit and Wild Bill, so I guess Lanard had the green light to do some Cowboy and Indian Shit.
And both of them have CORPS! printed on their uniforms. With the '!' . Seriously?!

And then G.I. Joe came back into my life under the guise of the second generation, new sculpt era. I greeted them with enthusiasm and within a year vowed to never buy them again. Not about to be left out of the new wave of action figure furora, The Corps! brought in their new wave of T-crotched badboys.

I often like to touch up figures by painting the or adding a wash or drybrush, these figures had it factory applied. The effect was marked. other figures suddenly seemed very toy like and plasticky. These guys looked grizzled, dirty and fucking hard. They immediately became the principal protagonists at gametime. There were twelve of them, so the no-brainer team name was the Dirty Dozen. Al, Rob and I split the team three ways and set about naming and imbuing the members with life.

Bear, Flash, Kurt and Kite were Al's;

Rob used Eagle-Eye, Howlin' Harry, Paddy and Viper;

And my boys were Dutch, Bronson, Porkins, and Snake.

They were soldiers of fortune, flying around the world dealing death for anyone who could meet their price. Typically their operations consisted of ambushing armed convoys, or sneaking up on fortifications and... stealing stuff. But they were a force to be reckoned with, and for a good while they held the mantle of the most played-with toys in my collection. Good times.

The Corps! have, like G.I. Joe, ditched their o-ring design, and still put out the T-crotch figures with some retooling here and there, but the bodies of the original twelve are still quite prominent. But no iteration of these figures beat the original, dirty, grizzled ones. I am grateful of the day Rob and I walked up the road to the local supermarket where all four of the original three-figure packs were available. They included tonnes of authentic weapons, including smoke and frag grenades, mortar launchers, pistols, sniper rifles, knives and an offroad bike. Each pack set us back only R20. Unreal.

The sad devolution from awesome to okay to WTF. Glad I caught the A-game before the neon palette started seeing some action

Thoughts on Toys

What to do, what to do? This hobby is so much a part of me. I can't ditch it. But I can't feed it like I did as a younger man. I find myself more often than not thinking up a reason to not buy something. Mentally trying to disqualify a toy from being good enough to earn my hard earned $. Why is that? I used to buy with reckless abandon... well, always within certain financial constraints. But I never used to berate a toy before I even had it. Now I scour the net for pics and reviews, nitpicking everything.

I can think of a few reasons.

1. Overwhelming collection. I have a lot of stuff. My childhood room at my folks place does not contain much in the way of clothing or anything really, other than toys and toy paraphernalia. When considering to buy something, space is always gonna be a consideration...

actually I take that back. Space is never a consideration. I always buy thinking 'I'll find some place for it'. Well, I don't know how much that is going to hold true. A Flagg is stashed between cupboards and drawers, and I have been on ebay looking at Defiants...

2. Been there; got that. I have a problem with the rampant re-release of certain characters. In spite of this, I of course have about five no-ring style Snake-Eyes'. With the greatest of respect to the later, greater versions, my clear and unassailable favourite is still the first one I got in the original 25th Anniversary 5 Pack. And I have justified its superiority over the recent POC wave 3 version many a time before falling asleep. So when new versions of old characters get announced, I immediately try to determine whether it will usurp my current favourite or not. Case in point: POC Stalker. Dreadlocks=fail in my eyes, but the rest of his sculpt (being the same as POC Snake-Eyes) is win. And frustratingly the 25th anniversary Stalker head sculpt fits on the new one's body, so the dreadlocks can easily be dealt with. That leaves two more possible detractors. The crap hands that only grip between the thumb and forefinger; and the loose holster for the silenced pistol. Neither of which have been improved, if the new Cobra Trooper (who also uses those parts) is anything to go by. The hands can be remedied with a parts swap. The holster not so much. But there is I suppose a fine line between too tight and too loose. Yeah I said that. Too tight damages the gun (as it does on the 25th Anni Fireflys and Beachheads), too loose and the damn thing keeps falling out. So do I drop dollar on the toy, knowing full well that if it fails to beat my current fave Stalker, it goes into the box, never to see light of day again.

So what to do...

Thunder Machine is compact!

It fits perfectly inside the Chap Mei Chinook. You need only pull out the antenna. Or just bend it to fit if you like playing rough! In the Marvel Comics series, Zartan had a transport helo which could comfortably fit the Thunder Machine, the Dreadnoks and their bikes.  I wouldn't try to cram the whole gang into my chopper, but it's a start! Incidentally Zartan's copter could also disguise itself as a bus holographically. Wow. I give you the 1980's.

The Flagg must belong to COBRAAAA!

I never can decide what kind of loadout the Flagg should carry. Do you ignore it's scale problems? If so do, do you cram it impossibly or try to maintain some space on deck to land and take off craft? If you like the Flagg to be realistically scaled, ie a micro carrier, what is the most useful purpose to for it to have? I took some (bad) photos of possible Flagg set ups. But I have a startling conclusion. Well, not so startling, if you bother to read the article's title!

Option 1- Amphibious Mission.

The deck has an Osprey, two Seahawks and a Skystorm. I imagine this would make the make the most sense for a Marine-style assault force. I would laden the interior with a W.H.A.L.E and a pair of Warthogs. Everything fits, everything can be expanded for launch, contracted for storage and rough weather. Minimum suspension of disbelief.

Option 2- Air Superiority

With only three Navy aircraft on the deck, she's crowded. One of the three must always be on the launch strip, and in preparation for a landing plane, another (the F-18's, in the picture) must be moved into its place. But it works. Assuming the pilot doesn't overshoot, the arrestor cable will snag the tail of a landing plane before it hits the the rest of the planes. Hard to get your head around. But so much fun.

Option 3- 1986

This setup has one rationale - it's G.I. Joe's 1986 air force. I would perch another Tomahawk on there somewhere, but I do wish the rotor blades would fold like the real thing. The chopper can't be positioned flush against the tower. It's a pain. But the Conquest is a very compact aircraft and works well on the deck of the Flagg. A lot better than the Skystriker, for whom the Flagg was intented. For instance, the wings of a landing Striker just avoid clipping the tower. The Conquest lands more comfortably than anything with a wingspan. I just don't really love the Conquest... never have.

Option 4- Mixed Bag

Here we have a compromise - an Osprey for ferrying personnel, a Conquest and Skystriker for air superiority and my favourite, a Skystorm for close air support. I choose the Skystorm over the Dragonfly because it's faster, able to keep up with the Osprey easily and... well the Dragonfly is green and wouldn't look as good! The Osprey is by far the bulkiest craft, but as you can see, it stores nicely like a carrier-based craft should, with folding wings and blades.

Option 5- Purist Air Superiority

Joe jets only. The pic isn't well enough lit, but the Phantom is on the launch strip. With this line up, the Flagg can carry out air support, bombing missions, surveillance and air superiority. And it's all Joe. Feel the love. And you can land a Tomahawk could land forward of the Skystriker, or aft of the Conquest, but how you would be able to shuffle the craft in order to launch and land the jets? The Tomahawk would have to take off, and then the jets would be jostled for position.

Option 6- COBRAAA!

Cobra's craft are well suited to operating in tight spaces. Everything on the deck is VTOL - the Firebat, Rattler, Hurricane, Mamba all take-off and land vertically. I included a black Chinook to demonstrate its space effectiveness as it crams in there nicely. There is an abundance of remaining space, you could easily throw a handful of Fangs or Fang II's onto the deck. Or a swarm of Firebats. And the cool thing about the Firebats is how you can fit two on the deck elevator. And not many aircraft can succeed in that. I wouldn't land a Night Raven on the deck- it would be difficult to move into position around all the smaller craft. And don't get me started on how nicely BUGGs, Hammerheads and Sea Ray's fit into the bowels of the ship. Morays look pretty terrific too.

So in conclusion: Joe needs to appropriate some Cobra craft. Or Cobra should capture the Flagg.

COBRAAAAAA!