A textbook case of 'Quit while you're ahead'

The only Joe vehicle to boast a payload of vibrators.

Yes. The Rolling Thunder. Death on wheels for enemy ground forces and fixed defences. Sometimes you just have to count each individual piece of armament it possesses and wet yourself a bit. Fourteen gunbarrels of varying calibre, fifteen missiles of varying size and function, and two of the largest missiles produced in the Joe line with a further compliment of six bombs stored inside each missile. But that's nothing you didn't either already know or could figure out without much problem from ogling the product catalogue. I know I did. For hours.

But this is not intended to be a beaming review. Don't get me wrong, in spite of the shortcomings I love this vehicle. It is the most formidable G.I. Joe assault vehicle bar none. It has it all. And a glass canopy... but more on that later.

No, actually let me deal with it now. How do I imagine an armored vehicle with a big glass canopy up front? I don't, I ignore it. I might even go as far as painting over it. But ignoring isn't too hard for now. I can understand the choice from the designer's point of view - a toy's playability is very dearly linked to how many of your action figures you can have manning it's various stations. Putting a driver in the cockpit is no fun if you can't see that you put a driver in the cockpit. For all intents and purposes, he may as well not even be there. And without a transparency all the gorgeous molded details in the three-man cockpit would be lost. It really is a very well detailed sculpt, and the level of detail is impressive on the rest of the vehicle too. Hasbro did not disappoint, and the sculpt intricacy exhibited here is something I fear current vehicles lack. Ho hum.

Repeater is totally snug and warm in there. Until it starts to rain, of course.

Did I also mention there is a gaping hole with no hatch to cover it? Another detail best left ignored.

Why then is this a case of 'quit while you're ahead'? Well for example, I have decided that this vehicle's standard configuration while I use it will exclude the four 'gun-chairs'. Two reasons, one aesthetic and another practical. I like the vehicle lines to be uninterrupted, and it gives the RT a nice low profile (well, relatively low, considering how high a behemoth with all this 'stuff' could otherwise ride). The lighter grey colour also offends my eyes ever so slightly. Practically though, those exposed seats are death traps. And the rear two interrupt the rotation of the main gun. So, off they come and into the bin of unused vehicle bits, along with the 'Admiral's Launch' from the Flagg. Don't get me started.

I also choose to remove the double turret and dish that sit atop the cockpit. If the main gun fires zero forward, it runs the risk of blasting that thing clean off. Not great.

The turntable of six red missiles has me stumped. It attaches to the vehicle's deck, where it can't get a clear shot for love or money. If it's designed to be deployed like a death trap for pursuers, the RT has no crane assembly to hoist it and drop it off.

Ridin' the Gun. Beachhead is of course toast if they fire that missile.  So is Hit & Run on the other side. And  everyone dies if the turntable starts firing.

The ATV is such an afterthought it also has to go. I also struggle to close the RT up snugly when it is on board. No loss there really. Its design leaves much to be desired as the occupant essentially fills the vehicle's interior so snugly, I doubt there would be room for an axle, or any mechanicals for that matter. But it's inclusion was no doubt to enhance the vehicle's playability, and such concepts are lost on the discriminating adult collector. Actually scratch that, it's an almost plausible design... I just don't like it much as the driver sits so low it looks a bit odd.

Even a stud like Falcon can't pull off this piece of shit.

Finally, I opt to remove the large red missiles. Once again, their inclusion smell like afterthought to me. Putting a missile square on the barrel of a cannon might look cool (yeah right), but doesn't fly with me. Especially when you have two guys 'riding the gun'. Okay, that's a stylistic reason, but my real evidence for calling it an afterthought?

The missile doesn't sit on the barrel doesn't sit on its post flush because its tail fin touches the cannon mount. So this big red phallus of death angles towards the barrel of the gun it gets fired from. Too much.

It's brothers don't have similar problems, but the jury is still out on them. I was never a fan of the Joe vehicles that just had missiles slapped onto any vacant surface. I much prefer a well-placed, intentional launcher for my ordinance.

The yellow missiles are also problematic. They barely clear the wheels, and firing a missile above your wheels might not have been the best idea. I assume they're made of rubber, right? A much better choice would be to have them on a rack above the deck instead of the gun chairs. But alas, I was born too late and in the wrong place to be on Hasbro's design team in the late 80's.

I'm also on the fence about the chin gun. If this were an attack chopper, I would laud it. It's a formidable weapon and one that covers what would be the vehicle's weapon blind spot (12 o'clock close). But it does stand to snag any kind of bushes that would otherwise offer no resistance to this monster.

That's more like it.

It rides nice and high. Well it would. Let me explain: the mold has hollows for the giant missiles. Those hollows leave two big missile impressions on the vehicle's underside that reduce the overall clearance. But I'll ignore that in my off-road battles along the carpet.

I got my RT for what I would deem a bargain price of $56, which I thought a steal. It had some patent defects which were included in the item description. A few more plague my RT, but I'm not upset. Buying a 23 year-old toy and having it posted 15 000 kilometres (a total guess) is not without pitfalls. Lets say she's a bit of a fixer-upper. The rear left axle is snapped, I hope super-glue is up to the challenge. The tabs that the big missiles attach to are both broken. The auction said that only one was broken, and that the fault was with the missile and not the mount. I figured I would just buy a replacement missile, but no, the mount is fooked, the missiles are fine. Kids! Treat evilbay merchants with much suspicion. Needless to say, no positive feedback for this guy. He packed it like an arsehole, jamming loose pieces into the hold of the vehicle. You think for the amount of shipping he charged, he could have slapped some Fragile stickers on her. Whether it would have saved the axle, we may never know. When I opened up the missile bay, there were a few mystery broken plastic tabs and I have yet to determine where they are from. Decals are nicely applied though, and that is a true blessing. I lose love for a vehicle in good condition but with stray, crooked decals. 

Fail.

So how do I envision the RT? Well when Joe needs to put the serious hurt on a target, this is the vehicle to do it. Enemy fortifications or armoured columns can be destroyed completely by the big ass missiles, allowing the RT to roll in and secure the remains. It is a one-vehicle armoured assault. And without too much imagination one might swap out the missiles for a troop compliment (a simple custom job using the interior of the Joe APC is one idea I saw on the 'net).

Not to end on a downer, but I need to get this article wrapped and something needs to be said about him. Armadillo is possibly the most boring G.I. Joe figure ever produced. In a desperate attempt to make him more exciting (!), count how many exclamation marks they manage to cram into his filecard. What fun!

Epic Fail.

But seriously, who does operate this ride? If you can stomach Armadillo, who copilots? Who sits in the third station? Who rides the gun -assuming you want to man it? A vehicle purpose built like this I think would need specialised training and with most of the Joes being infantry types, you need a decent size contingent of vehicle operators to get the Thunder rolling. You could steal other drivers, Major Storm, Wildcard... but I think a better solution may be to stock it with Battle Force 2000 guys. Since I have no intention on getting any of their awful vehicles, and they are all vehicle drivers, I think I may have just found a use for Blocker, Blaster, Knockdown and Dodger. Trouble is, I never bothered to get any of them, and I don't know if this is reason enough...