So You Collect Toys?

Yeah. The price sticker is R7. In '89 your R10 pocket money bought you a Joe, a Coke and a packet of O'Gradys. If I only had a time machine.

There are some issues that plague the toy collector. Why do I do it? Where do Iput all this stuff? How do I tell chicks?

The first one is the easy one. Why do I collect? Well because there is nothing in this world I would rather spend money on. Some people like cars. Technology. Angling. Property investments. I trawl ebay for deals on vintage stuff while a friend of mine keeps me up to date with the latest 'modern era' stuff. As a child, I was spoiled for choice. I remember walking into the local O.K. Bazaars and being greeted with a sight that I still dream about. An entire aisle of G.I. Joe. Carded figures as far as my five year-old eyes could see. And nobody did it better than G.I. Joe. The card art was the gold standard of action figure. In fact, I can distinctly remember the card art being the selling point. The figure wouldn't enter the equation. My imagination would run wild with the beautifully painted image on the left hand side of a grizzled war hero or sinister baddy and I would completely ignore the awkwardly un-posed, loose, rattly figure on the right.

But the well started to dry up soon after that sadly. And there never was an abundance of vehicles in South Africa, and certainly not big vehicles. But it taught me the skills of toy tracking and in my early years I remember finding The Thunderclap, Bugg and Sky Raven all on local shores.

And one day G.I. Joe was no more. And I was sad.

Enter the interweb. This cunning revolution was the beginning of something special. I (we?) would only know of G.I. Joe toys either first hand by seeing them, or on cardbacks and leaflets. As a late eighties/early nineties collector, I missed what most regard as the heyday of the line. I had no knowledge of mythical things like 'The Original 13', fantastic vehicles like the Skystriker, W.H.A.L.E or Tomahawk. To my knowledge, Storm Shadow had always been a good guy.

1998 was a big year. It was the year I started searching for G.I. Joes online. It was the year I registered as an ebay member. I remember my first purchases were from a website called 'Amok Time'. I think they advertised in Toyfare Magazine. Anyway, my first requirements? Hawk (1986), and the Tomahawk helicopter (also 1986). 

And the reason I'm relating all this? Well I find it answers the first question very well. I love getting stuff in the mail. It is a reason to live. I do an elated dance of joy when a collection slip from the post office is deposited in my box. Yes, I still wait for the slip, only resorting to tracking numbers when packages are late.

The other two questions I am battling with. Well, chicks can take it or leave it... I fear they'd likely leave me the day they realise that a 4 inch soldier is getting more attention than they are. I'm clearly dying a bachelor.

Space. That is an increasingly difficult issue. I have never let it bother me before. But now that every cupboard and shelf is loaded with toys and my wardrobe lives on the floor, it has become a problem. And now that I am a USS Flagg owner, even the floor is toy real estate. I'm gonna have to move into a bigger place. And that means less money for toys. Damn!

Anything Wrong With This Picture?

Yeah. Snow. Not a common sight in South Africa. My favourite movie as a child was Empire Strikes Back. My first Cobra vehicle was the W.O.L.F. My first Joe vehicle was the Battleforce: 2000 Pulverizer. Not much of a vehicle, but it was advertised in the 1989 promotional leaflet as cruising over SNOW. My first Joe figure? Iceberg. Honestly, I was developing  severe snow envy. So much of the G.I. Joe armada of vehicles was constructed to do battle in the snow, and when I jumped onto the line, there was a fair number of cold weather specialists in both teams. It was a cruel, cruel state of affairs. My snow-envy forced me to strip all the white linen I could find and carpet the floors of the house with sheets. Mom loved that. 


I was a university graduate before I ever got a chance to play in fluffy white snow drifts. I was working a winter season in the Land of Milk and Honey, sadly without my W.O.L.F. But I remedied this by purchasing a Snowcat on Ebay for Christmas '06. It was included in a vehicle lot which came in a big box, but regardless of its size, this box was delivered to my door by USPS. God bless America.

But I really do want to talk about that W.O.L.F. Winter Operations Land Fighter. And it is a fighter, more on that later. What a fantastic first Cobra vehicle. The Snowcat to my mind has a rather glaring design flaw. The tracks are large-ish for the size of the vehicle. The tires are real pretty. But how useless would these be in a snowdrift?! Pretty fucking hopeless. The W.O.L.F is a very clever Cobra answer to the Joes' snow workhorse. This badboy has tracked wheels, but thank heavens is equipped with skis in front allowing it to traverse snowfields and slopes like a snowmobile. But wait, there's more! The tracks flip up into the vehicle and it switches to jet propulsion. Holy shit. How insanely fast must this thing be able to go? It's like strapping a J.U.M.P onto Snowjob's back and giving him a snowfield to traverse. I imagine the engines must be set to a rather low thrust to avoid having the W.O.L.F take off. Like a fighter. Ha ha. 

Always liked its design too. Asymmetry has an appeal for me. The crew on the one half, ordinance on the other. And there's a cannon mounted above the gunner cockpit which gives the W.O.L.F another edge over its competition. Four missiles - tick, two Ski-pedoes- tick, double cannon, W.O.L.F wins. And it has indeed. A decal on the gunner's cockpit proclaims four Snowcat kills. If every W.O.L.F has this sticker, I imagine Cobra must be doing some severe damage to Joe's cold weather force. My first issue of G.I. Joe: Special Missions was #20, where the Joes in the Snowcat join forces with the Oktober Guard (as usual) and take out three W.O.L.F's. I used to play out that issue countless times as a kid, but in my version, the W.O.L.F would win. Cobra rocks. And I had a Tiger Paw stand in for the Snowcat and that just flat out sucked.

True story about the stickers. Being all of seven years-old when I got this vehicle for Christmas '92. Too young or just too crappy-stupid to do apply them myself, I made the mistake of asking my dad to help me. Flash forward to late 2010, I realise my dad got very creative with decal application. The display on the pilot's screen was on the exterior of the missile rack, there were stickers inside the jet engines. Stuff like that. Testimony to the quality of these stickers, 18 years later, the stickers can be peeled, re-applied and look still look fantastic. Who needs reprolabels?!

To end, I'll echo a remark in a previous post. I can totally understand why kids flew the S.H.A.R.C around like a plane. I did the same with the W.O.L.F. It bears some resemblance to a Rebel Snowspeeder from the aforesaid fave kiddy movie, Empire Strikes Back, tandem cockpit, rear mounted gun... snow speciality... 

Head To Head

 Which Joe or Cobra aircraft reigns supreme?

              1983 Skystriker 

                                                1984 Rattler       

                                                1986 Night Raven

                                                1986 Conquest

                                                1988 Phantom

                                                1990 Hurricane

Honourable omission: The Firebat is a furious little aircraft, but based on its weapon loadout, it won’t last long in an air to air confrontation. It has six bombs and two small guns and is clearly intended as a high-speed ground attack vehicle. Also given a its limited fuel capacity, it would be able to dogfight for a couple of minutes before having to return to base or bail.

So how does this work? I haven’t figured that out. But I’ve watched enough episodes of ‘Dogfights’ on the History Channel to know that modern aerial engagements are all about detecting and engaging your enemy before he does you, typically beyond visual range. In that sense, the stealthier craft such as the Night Raven and Phantom have the edge. Sadly their available weapons are where they fail. The missiles these two craft carry are so small and I don’t speculate they have great range. Couple that with the aircrafts’ limited manoeuvrability (particularly the Phantom, I still have no idea how that craft manoeuvres at all).  So the verdict on these bad boys? You won’t see them coming, they will get the first shot in, but will have to get in close to take it. If they don’t nail you with that first shot, it’s anyone’s game and I feel the Phantom is ill-equipped to slug it out with a fighter, especially since it only carries two missiles. So it is better off getting out, fast. Odd that it is equipped with four laser cannons yet it’s no dogfighter, but I suppose they can be used in a ground attack capacity. One assumes a laser cannon will have greater range than a shell cannon. 

The Raven packs six missiles. Two in the fuselage and four stored in pairs within two pods. My explanation for those pods is that they store additional fuel to increase the range of the missiles. At a certain distance to target, it breaks apart and then can engage either two separate targets (like a lead and wingman) or the same target (the ‘ripple-fire’, where two missiles are fired to increase the likelihood of a hit). The Raven looks built for speed and probably would favour hit and run tactics that make use of speed and stealth over getting bogged down in a dogfight with a more capable fighter. But who knows? Maybe its control surfaces offer it excellent manoeuvring characteristics, making it a real threat in a conventional duel. I’ve heard it said in a set of retrospective reviews that the Night Raven is not a fighter but a reconnaissance plane. The evidence being that the plane it is modelled on, the SR-71 Blackbird was an unarmed high speed, high altitude recon plane. I would disagree. The presence of air to air missiles would be my first point. My second would be the fact that the SR-71 was an gargantuan plane; the Raven is a relatively small craft, thanks mainly to ‘toy downscaling’ (that being fitting all the fun of an aircraft into a manageable size). The result is a smaller, nimbler air superiority fighter. The final point is the presence of canard wings (the small wings on either side of the canopy), whose sole purpose is to enhance the craft’s handling at lower speeds. All it needs now is a gun! Sadly no forward-firing cannon is to be found on the Raven proper. It does however have a twin barrelled gun pointing directly on its six o’ clock, and two guns on the wings of its scout craft. I choose to ignore both of these loony ideas most of the time. So if an engagement was to get to that point where it’s four missile shots had been taken, the Raven would have to disengage and hope it’s opponent doesn’t give chase. Still, it’s a potent contender for the top spot.

The Rattler is an interesting addition to the list, I’ll concede. Based on the mother of all ground-attack planes, the A-10 Thunderbolt or Warthog, the Rattler surely can’t be a fighter. Yet Joe media portray it otherwise. I guess it was out of desperation since there was no competent Cobra fighter until the Raven arrived. But the Rattler nevertheless had some degree of success. Its vertical take-off and landing  capability meant it could be deployed from any number of concealed places, such as hollow fuel tanks. And its cannon and missiles were depicted as having both air-to-surface and air-to-air capabilities. The addition of a third engine over the A-10 tells me the Rattler no doubt has a greater airspeed, approaching mach 1 even. It may strain reality, but a Rattler was even able to pursue a Phantom X-19 in one issue of Hama’s original Marvel comic run. In that same issue, the pursuing Rattler had engines capable of afterburn. It is possible therefore that the Rattler can approach the speed of sound. At first I doubted it’s aerodynamic suitability for Mach 1 flight, since it has no sweep in its wings... but neither did the Bell X-1, and it broke the sound barrier in level flight. Handling at Mach 1 would be awful, but at least the old Rattler can get into and out of trouble quickly. Not quickly enough to evade other fighters but then again I doubt that would be its strategy. This plane I believe would make an excellent low level, slow speed dogfighter as it would have a superb turn radius, four short-range missiles and its devastating 30mm ‘Jawbreaker’ cannon. It would be a mistake to try and dogfight this bad boy, better to pick him off at range. So long as you can get the jump on him. But the Rattler is a jack-of-all trades and master of one-the ground attack role. It can take on attack helicopters well I’m sure, fighter jets not as well. But stranger things have happened and I’m sure a flight of Rattlers could rack up aerial kills.

The Skystriker. She is a thoroughbred fighter. Excellent weapons, speed, ceiling, climb, dive, manoeuvrability... Perfection. I have always believed it to be a smaller, lighter, more advanced F-14 Tomcat. The XF-14 is naturally experimental, produced in small numbers and therefore given to the Joes. It can engage targets before visual range with its long range, radar-guided Phoenix missiles, and middle- and close- range targets with its Sparrow and Sidewinder missiles. The aircraft also carries a cannon, and a ferocious gun pod to augment its ground-attack ability. It is a prime example of a current air superiority fighter. In the era of the F-22 Raptor, the lack of stealth option hurts the Skystriker somewhat, but it’s still a fine piece of equipment, and certainly the supreme dogfighter covered thus far.

Its brother craft, the Conquest may even have better handling, with its swept forward wing design. The increased wing surface area thanks to the sweep means more air passes over the ailerons. It comes at a cost, typically to stability and structural strength, but it’s my belief that with the Conquest (and the real-world craft it most closely resembles, the ‘Berkut’), these difficulties have been largely overcome. Its weapons loadout is more suited to the middle- to close-range assault as it lacks a long-range missile like the Skystriker’s Phoenix. Nevertheless, potent. It has the same failing as the Skystriker as it has no real stealth attributes in its design. If I were to choose between the two, I would take the Skystriker because its armament offers some stand-off distance protection from its most devastating adversary, the Night Raven. But in most scenarios, the Night Raven is king. Luckily for the Joes, these expensive craft are not often deployed.

The fighter that really impresses me as a next-generation jet must be the Hurricane. She’s  got the VTOL capability, 11 (!) missiles and an 80(!)mm cannon. Once again, the missiles look like quite a close range affair, but this craft certainly looks like it is built to get in close. The size of the gun is a bit absurd. Unnecessarily large to take out aircraft, its more to blow up battleships methink. I can’t imagine it has a very high rate of fire, so I doubt it’s a dogfighting weapon. But with so many missiles, who needs the gun?! From a design standpoint, the Hurricane is the most unconventional craft on this lineup. It has no tail, has a rather extreme VTOL mode, even more so than the Rattler. I can't help but wonder if it's tailess design has stealth attributes. If that is the case, and I imagine it to be so, then this plane sweeps the categories. I do feel it would have some range limitation as it is certainly one of the smaller craft but the engines are gargantuan and would probably rocket this plane past Mach 3 if I were to guess. This is definitely Cobra's primary fighter, if you can ignore the fact that the blueprints seem to specify that the missiles are air to ground. Oops. I buy it, but that would be such a waste. Leave the ground attack role to the Rattlers, Condors and Firebats. Cobra needs an air superiority fighter, dammit! 

The verdict my friends? While the Hurricane would have the edge in any scenario I have the strongest love for the ol' Raven. It’s the fastest, carries a lethal load, has the stealth aspect. I wouldn’t use it for a tight in, turning dogfight where the Skystriker, Hurricane or Conquest own, but for a hit and run fight, it can't be beat. It’s also my favourite (and first) plane from the line. I love that jet. It marries real world and sci-fi and does it with such immaculate Cobra style, red-tinted glass and all! If you don't own this plane, get it. It and the Skystriker are all you need. It don't get better or more fun than those two. 

SHARC

 The SHARC. Submersible High-Speed Attack and Reconnaissance Craft. Joe media from commercials to comics to cartoon all maintain it's a flying submarine. As the story goes, apparently at Hasbro's play testing centre, kids ignored the fact that it was an underwater vehicle and just swooped it around the room like an aircraft, hence it now is a flying submarine. 

Okay, I think that whole paragraph was me paraphrasing Thomas Wheeler. And this isn't a review. This is a discussion. Read his review at MasterCollector or whatever.

Bottom line is that, fun as it maybe to have this craft 'fly' out of the water and into the air, I ignore it in my Joe-verse. Why? Plausibility. And perhaps I'm expecting too much from a plastic toy but I'm an adult and need to justify things to my adult mind. Firstly, it has no wingspan. It's handling characteristics will flat-out suck. And what will it do when airborne? According to the box blurb, it swoops down on Cobra ships and strafes them with its twin, double 30mm cannons.


  Now I can appreciate the barrel diameter of these weapons as being 30mm, but the barrel length leaves much to be desired. I'm no ballistics expert but wouldn't those short, stumpy barrels make accurate shooting impossible? I also find it absurd that these weapons are within the engine nacelles. How is there space for ammunition and the engines? Finally, how can the pilot, Deep-Six, maneuver this craft though the air while he lying on his stomach? Most G.I. Joe media decided to omit that fact, opting for a more conventional cockpit seat. The toy simply has a flat bed, and while there is room for a standard sculpt Joe figure to sit on his arse, the unposable, blocky, brick of a figure called Deep-Six can only lie down.
 
Do you know what though? I absolutely looooove this vehicle.

In the post I recently received the 25th Anniversary re-release of this vehicle and it is a gem. A classic with some added shine but no new faddy touches that suck. It's so rare Hasbro manage that, and so much of the 25th Anniversary was very good, missed the mark ever so slightly. The SHARC (or SHARC TOOTH, thanks to trademark law) is a beaut, and I could want nothing more from it. The crispness of the white colour and crystal clear canopy give the craft a stunning aesthetic. The sculpt is intricate and very detailed, very few surfaces are smooth and without detailing. Vintage Joe vehicles had a fine tradition of removable panels and that is very present on the SHARC. A panel can be popped off to reveal an excellently detailed engine beneath.

  The decals in some instances go some way to explain these details by labeling them 'Tool Case', 'Aidkit', 'Cylinder Access' or 'Intake'. But of course this is nothing new and one of the reasons we love G.I. Joe toys, right? But the nifty nu-skool touch takes these decals to a whole new level. Tiny actual text offering detailed instructions have taken the place of printed lines of 'pretend writing'. I need a magnifying glass to read it, but I geek out every time. Nice touch, full marks Hasbro.

Praise also for the packaging - a window box with a diorama backing, situating the SHARC on the deck of the USS Flagg, with a Dragonfly and Skystriker in the background. I only wish that were a sign that those great toys were being re-released. But I'm pretty stoked with this SHARC for now. The only regret I have with the window box presentation is the the vehicle comes pre-assembled and has a few of its decals pre-applied. The joy with the vintage vehicles for me was getting the 'blind' package, putting it together myself and applying the decals. Having some factory worker do it for you robs me of that joy. And of course sometimes decals are applied a little less than perfectly and that bugs me.  

Something should also be said about the included figure, DEEP-SIX. The original possessed only two points of articulation - right and left shoulders. This update is only a marginal improvement with shoulder swivels, elbow and wrist cuts. You can pop off his glass dome helmet and his head swivels on a ball joint. No leg articulation, which follows the original. Fanboys bitch about the articulation. I don't mind it to be honest. He's normally in the cockpit in any case. And this body construction allows for his fun fun fun feature! Included with the figure is DEEP-SIX' bellows. It's basically a pump and a hose that attach to his back. Squeeze the pump and air will be pushed into DEEP-SIX body and he will bob to the surface. Release the pump and DEEP-SIX will take on water and sink. Fun huh?


 Well it would be, but the hose is coiled and very rigid and supports DEEP-SIX' weight too much, stopping him from sinking. But despite this, the figure is cool. Very clean, very clearly a faithful re-do of the original with some nice touches. My favourite? Tiny maneuvering thrusters on his back and heels and a clear 'light' on his shoulder (okay it's just clear plastic and doesn't light up, but I love it the all the same). 

In closing, I have to discuss the SHARC's role... it's an attack and reconnaissance craft. I'd say given DEEP-SIX' dive suit and... name, he does some deep dive work, perhaps recovery work, though I wish then that the SHARC had a manipulator claw of some kind. For its attack role, it packs two torpedoes that look like they could kill a Hammerhead or Bugg. Perhaps deployed in greater numbers it could give the Cobra submersible fleet a run for its money, but make sure you stick with the SHARC, the Joes' second entry in the mini-sub catagory, the Barracuda, is just too horrid for words.