Rugger Bugger

Did you know he was called 'Captain Rugby' in Europe? True story. Not sure if that makes him more or less cool. But what is cool about this figure?

Number 1:
He flat-out rocks the party in the Nintendo Entertainment System GI Joe videogame by Taxan. With the most potent hand-to-hand stats and a fearsome spread weapon (which appears to fire footballs), the Captain was a pretty permanent fixture on everyone's three man team. While the game insisted the leader position be shuffled about, you'd be silly not to have this guy as a mainstay.

Number 2:
Accessory count.

Helmet
Visor
Rocket Launcher
Rocket
Rocket
Rocket
Rocket
Backpack
Football Grenade
Football Grenade
Football Grenade
Elbow Pad
Elbow Pad
Big Fuckin' Gun

Cheeky double and triple counting gives us a grand total of 14 individual accessories. And they're outrageous without being spring loaded. This guy brings the pain. All day long. Love that removable helmet with flip-down visor. Love. The amount of Hi Ex this guy packs is off the chart. Grid Iron hunts Terrordromes. Dead.



Number 3:
He can carry all of this stuff.

The pads, grenades, pack, helmet - all worn. Leaving his hands free to caress his 4-shot rocket launcher and baddass shotgun. He's ready to shoot down both halves of a Cobra Condor and blow the shit out of the Aero-Vipers after they thought they'd parachute to safety.

1990 represents the last year of real thoughtfulness and good taste behind a character's gear, before it all became about the spring launchers. Neon.'Sprue guns'.

Yes. 'Good taste' is what I called this much maligned character's accessories. Grid Iron's stuff is all uniquely his (football grenades? You better believe nobody's used them since). I like to think of them less as 'football grenades' and more like 'really, really big grenades'. At least that must mean he has a helluva good throwing arm... Right?

Why does he get bad press? It's not like he's wearing a red football jersey. The Captain's yellow pants are a bit garish, I'll admit. As for the rest, he looks like he's rocking an oldskool Vietnam-era flack vest over a cool, digi-camo sweater. Cut off gloves are pure vanilla.

Armed with enough stuff to start a war and as an integral part of the NES team, I had to have him. Expect to see more of this guy on the site.

Swampmasher

I did a tally not too long ago of which production years I had the highest number of vehicle purchases in. I'm no completionist, but without intending it, I have every G.I. Joe vehicle produced in 1988, save for the Mean Dog. Still trying to twist my friend Paul's arm for his. I suppose it was just a good year. Somewhat of a vehicle reboot year, I'd say. There was a new jeep, new APC, new jet, new assault vehicles, new oddballs. By oddballs, I refer to the RPV and Swampmasher.

The RPV is still an anomaly. The blueprints suggest it's just basically a missile launcher.

 Boring.

To me, the name Remote Piloted Vehicle suggests that it is a drone launcher, used for flying and spying. At least that way it carves out its own niche. Because let's face it, is there a G.I. Joe vehicle in existence that doesn't fire a missile? Or seven?

The Swampmasher has a pretty narrow niche too. And a pretty unique gimmick. But what the hell does it do?

Mash swamps, that's what.

It's small, low-slung, possesses an absurdly large primary weapon and carries three personnel and not much else. No room for gear. Or fuel. Or ammo. It does have a tow hook, but I doubt many towable items would be able to travel the terrain this thing is built for. Boasting a 4.3 litre, 350 brake horse power engine I suppose this would make for a pretty utilitarian tractor for use around a base. Combine a massively overpowered engine with its diminutive size, the 'Masher is not designed with range in mind. She's built to get into an inaccessible place, get concealed and lie in ambush.

I don't care much for the ordinance. I only have one of the two 'magnetic array detection bombs' and their presence is not terribly thought-through. They jut out further than the vehicle's bull-bar and that seems like a liability on a vehicle designed to rampage through unforgiving environments.

And the wheel gimmick? It's unique, but doesn't function as smoothly as I'd like. I can't find any real-life examples of this setup that isn't attached to luggage. How the axles and drive-train functions is a mystery. Pretty impressive universal joints in play there, as this would have to be a twelve wheel-drive vehicle in order to achieve the feats it intends. The 'tyres' claw-like appearance seem to clog a little too easily with the kind of swamp fauna it's likely to encounter. All told, I'd rather four large balloon tires. That would make this just a big quad. No fun, right?

Aaaaand just when you thought this hunk of mint and grape flavour couldn't get any tastier, celebrity customizer Fireflyed does this:

Yuck. Why does this guy have to come along and make all my toys look silly?