So this drought is hitting us hard, right? Last article I wrote was almost two full months ago. It was about some goofy aqua Volkswagen by a brand called Dickie Toys. It's still not funny The Podcast is suffering too. No new Joes is hurting our hobby. But my toy horizons have not darkened. They've just altered course. And these pastures are emerald.
I write this from a hotel room in Singapore, my home for the next three months. And let me tell you, here be treasure. The big ticket I wanted to track down in my time here was the fairly recent release of the Imperial AT-AT.
Found that on day 2.
At Toys R Us.
Piss.
My parents deposit money in my account with the instruction to 'buy something nice - not a giant toy'. Fools, I say. But I love them so. And I love my AT-AT.
Not that it matters much, but this is the Return Of The Jedi release, with sexy old-skool packaging and a case of shit-foot. That is, the feet have brown imitation mud paint apps. Hey, it doesn't bug me, and it's never gonna be traipsing around Hoth anyway. No snow in sunny South Africa where it's going.
No such warning this time.
I put it together on my big day with reckless abandon. And now there is no going back. I guess I'll be boarding the return flight with a AT-AT hat-hat. Or Bak-Pak. Quarantine period on plastic dogs? I say thee, nay.
Fuck practicalities. I only have to worry about them when I blow town in three months anyway. And I wasn't gonna just marvel at unassembled parts on my birthday. Lets talk film. If you read my post on the Cobra WOLF you may know that one of my favourite cinematic sequences of all time is the battle of Hoth within the first half hour of The Empire Strikes Back. The buildup. The payoff. The neat set pieces and clever action. And thanks in most part to these ominous lumbering giants. What a fantastic device. As a child, if I didn't have time to watch the film in its entirety (like if I was just having a ham sandwich and Nik Naks lunch), I would fast forward the tape to the first appearance of the walkers and watch until the Falcon blasts off. Needless to say, that section of the tape fuuucked out from overwatching. If I had this toy as a child it would have ousted the Cobra Hammerhead and BUGG as my ultimate favourite vehicles. Now I know it existed. There were a number of releases between 1981 and now, but as far as I can tell, this is approximately twice the size. It's obscenely huge. Not scale accurate, but certainly a decent compromise. Lets be fair, a true 1/18 scale AT-AT would be the size of an adult bicycle.
Yeah. The adult kind.
Okay, so what does it do? It doesn't walk. I can't say how many times I've had to tell people that it doesn't walk. It's an Imperial Walker, right? And while it would be neat to have it remote controlled, us long time toy lovers know better. If the damn thing walks itself, it's no longer a toy. I'm fingering a remote; while my grey dog plays with itself. Boring. Besides, if the internals of this beast were cluttered up with mechanicals, there would be no room for all of this goodness.
The cockpit, while cramped, can accommodate six, the real thing couldn't do better. A little cramped, but 'A' for effort, Hasbro.
The sexy red screen is see-thru. Much better than a lame sticker. Siiick.
Mandatory spring-firing missiles are my favourite flavour- unobtrusive.
The cannons simulate recoil and are piped to allow light up feature.
And a sneaky handle allows you to manipulate the head.
That's just the head.
The internal space of this behemoth is adequate for a troop compliment of ten I'd say. You can deploy them using two anchor-style winches and these badboys can be winched back in and tucked away quite handsomely.
The internals are nicely detailed with these mystery bits. Handholds? Binoculars? Jackhammers?
But my favourite feature?
And check what it craps out. 100% awesomeness.
About the speeder bike, I'll say this much, it's gonna stand up to a few botched ejections- the plastic is the bendy kind. That said, the bike locks in place nicely so won't likely go flying. And it retains the function of the earlier releases - pull up the footrests and the engine exhausts close. Always a little counter intuitive that feature. Surely it would be smarter for the default position to be closed, and as the pedals are depressed, the exhausts open and the speeder accelerates? They got it backwards. And it's brown and not grey, so these are the way more famouser bikes from Jedi, unlike the ones that we NEVER SAW in Empire.
It also boasst the full dialogue and SFX track from Empire via sneaky buttons scattered about. And there is an interior light or two that coincide with the sounds but come on, I buy this stuff so I can go 'Pew Pew Pew... KABOOOM' on my own.
So the verdict?
If you like Star Wars, buy it.
If you like the '80's, buy it.
If you like big toys, buy it.
If you can't afford it, ask Santa.
If you don't want this, thank you for your time, but this blog ain't for you.
Next article, a GI Joe toy or bust.
 |
| 'Off the furniture, boy' |
