Okay, so how many toys do you own?

This hobby consumes me. I can't seem to keep it out of even the most adult, polite conversation.  It's my thing. It'll be my thing for as long as I live. Yours too perhaps. You are, after all, reading a blog about toys. So what is the layperson question I get more often than most?

Well.

It's the title of this article, so don't make me repeat it. Any second-year student will tell you it's pretty amateurish to repeat the article's title, word for word. So there.

If you get this question as often as I do, it sets your mind aflight on a number of tangents. How do you quantify a toy collection? Each individual figure no doubt includes accessories. Some of those accessories can be the size of, if not bigger than, other figures. Do vehicles including a figure or figures and accessories count as one, or do you break the set down into smaller components that can each answer to the catchall word 'toy'? It soon becomes a mind-bogglingly complex task and a definite conversation killer you wished you hadn't embarked on, as the glazed over look in the girl you are trying so hard to impress becomes more apparent.

Doesn't stop it from being a fascinating question for the self-respecting toy geek, tho.

To answer it satisfyingly, you have to limit its scope a little. Set some criteria. define the ambit.

I have my answer, I got it by limiting my census to the scale world I overwhelmingly collect. That being the 3 to 4 inch, 1:18 scale a la GI Joe, Star Wars, and now Marvel Universe, to name but a few. That is not to say I don't have other scaled toys. I do. Everything from Micromachine people to 12-inch Gundam suits. But for now, I'm satisfied to know how many 1:18 people inhabit my home. Thus...

So how many toys do I own? Well, as of the making of this video, 703 souls inhabited my home. A further ten turned up a day later, they had been hiding in various places I'd missed. As of the writing of this article, a further 85 have entered my life so I am two figures short of 800. It took me about 10 hours of labour finding, sorting, setting them out and then packing them back. It was sometimes fun, most times back breaking, and left my room in a complete shambles with vehicles strewn about the floor, stripped of their drivers. I should have taken a picture of that. Did you notice how they've been ordered according to date stamp from old to new? Of course you don't, because that is on skuzzy clip. That was a royal pain in the ass to do. But it is done and I have my answer. Totally sleep better at night now.

Three Deadly Ebay Sins

Being an avid Ebay-er since 1999, I have a good helping of success stories... and a handful of disasters. But who's got the time? Instead, here are three of my favourite shockers. And they are all the sad symptoms of being a buyer in South Africa.

First up we have the absurd situation where a loose figure costs more than twice its 'buy it now' price in postage. Are they packaging it in gold leaf? A simple bubble envelope will suffice. Really.

Here we have another model citizen of Ebay. Laughably indicating that he/she/it ships worldwide and then following up with the most exhaustive list of exceptions. And what's right at the top? Africa. Well sir/madam/thing, fuck you for defeating my attempts at filtering you out. You waste my time. And battery. 14%. Damn smartphones.

And the coup de grace. I don't think it necessary to say anything more than that I had a Flagg sent to me from the United States for $180 in shipping charges two and a half years ago. Last year a Mobile Command Centre set me back $60 in shipping. The above item's charge is either a sick joke. Or I'll never be able to afford anything bigger than a Snowcat for the rest of my collecting days.

Love that the service is called 'UPS Worldwide Saver'. Assholes.

When everything else fails, vintage doesn't

With modern era GI Joe's becoming more and more impressive, I get a little bewildered when I'm at my friend Paul's place admiring his staggering collection. Dozens of versions of Duke, Storm Shadow, Cobra Commander and, of course, Snake Eyes. I recall as a child trying to decide on which versions of SE I wished to play with in the day's adventure. I had access to two back then. Now I am spoiled for choice, and I fear that too much choice has spoiled my appreciation. Each one seems cooler than the next too many toys all so cool I don't know what to do I have great toys that get no love because I always have my eye on the next one...

...Stop this hobby. I want to get off.

I needed to retreat. And what better way to do that than to crawl back into where it all begun. When collecting and more importantly appreciating IE playing with the toys was paramount.

It all started in mid March. I was tooling around Camden Town in London and happened upon this guy:

I was all of a sudden swept up in the impressive detail in his sculpt, the uniqueness of his parts and, of course, his ease of compatibility with vehicles and equipment. What we gained in the current construction of GI Joe came at a cost. And I think the biggest cost is fun. Vintage Joe was meant to be played with! I find myself constantly tied up with the fear of losing the infinitesimal knee pads, silencers, holstered guns and knives. All the added poseability only matters in executing impressive poses on your mantelpiece, not for jamming your figures into an AWE Striker loaded with weapons and waging war.

So instead of buying current releases, I'm trawling Ebay for vintage figures I love and as yet do not own. First was a 1989 Blizzard. A cool figure with interesting gear, but made so desirable by being playable in the Taxan videogame. $9. Then I won an auction for a complete Alpine for once again $9. I was going for a Duke, Alpine was just gonna help fill the box out a little. But alas, the main prize was snatched away from me with two seconds left on the clock. I bid too early! Don't you just hate it when that happens?

I had some years ago owned 1989's Stalker, Toxo-Viper and Charbroil. Stalker bought it at the mercy of the lawnmower. And Char and Toxo's crime? O-ring death. And I was young and foolish enough to believe a perished O-ring was incurable. I binned them. My turn to be the fool. I kept their accessories however and  as a result it was very affordable to pick up loose, incomplete specimens on the 'bay.

Then a buddy of mine offloaded about seventy o-ring action figures on me. Some Battle Corps, some Star Brigade, Talking Battle Commanders... the balance being an enormous force of vintage The Corps! figures. A number of duplicates of toys I had, but a few gems gladly accepted. I am really impressed by Star Brigade Roadblock. What a sterling figure, and given nice exposure to in some of the swan song issues of the original book, issues 145-148.

Put your desires into the universe, and the universe will spit something out. I kept on striking it lucky. Walking into a comic dealer in Johannesburg hoping to buy a vintage Thundercats Thundertank I had seen there previously, the store owner asked me what I was looking for. My hopeful response, as always, was 'GI Joe'. He took down a box of bits and bobs. After the most cursory of glances I asked for the price, he said R200, I dropped the requisite crisp note on the counter and bolted, box in hand. This is the treasure I had unearthed.

I don't know what is more irritating, the fact that someone got the Arctic HiSS, Rattler, Vamp and Snow Serpent before I had the chance; or the fact that those toys will forever be incomplete. RRRRRRRRRGH.

Wild Weasel filecard, Arctic HiSS blueprint, filecard and used sticker sheet,  Stinger 4WD blueprint, Vamp Mk.II blueprint, Japanese Rattler blueprint and catalogue, Nemesis Enforcer and Firefly Impel cards and three Triple Win Game scratchcards. Wow.

True story: I had a sticker of this guy stuck to the side of the shelf precisely where my toddler potty was. And as I shat, I fantasized about one day owning Dusty. That day has finally arrived. Amen. 

Someone had already made off with the Rattler, Arctic HiSS, Stinger, ASP and Vamp Mk.II. There might have been a second Stinger jeep as I found two drivers lying spare in the box. And I found a Snow Serpent's gear, suggesting some fool took the figure and his attached parachute pack, leaving the rest of the gear. Fool. But what cool stuff, for next to nothing. I had never owned vintage blueshirts, CLAWs or even a vintage HiSS. And you best believe reviews are on the way. I could do my head in pondering how these toys came into my possession, I'll definitely go back and interrogate Mr Cosmic Comics. But the Rattler had Japanese paperwork, the ASP, Stinger and Vamp blueprints were from the United States. If these were bought locally, the paperwork would have been European. There were two Impel cards, which I never saw released locally either. Neither was the Arctic HiSS. There were Triple Win scratch cards - inserts from 1985 carded figures. So Dusty and the Snow Serpent might have been carded at the hands of the meticulous former owner. I wonder what the third figure was? The CLAWs both have European decals...

...this was just one beautiful box of mystery and mirth. And I love it all to bits.

Just in case you missed it. This is a 3D film. 

GI Joe is the codename for America's rogue terrorist team. Its purpose: sow global instability by assassinating heads of state, seizing nuclear weapon caches and going weapons hot in a room full of world leaders.

If you expected a beaming review of GI Joe 3D: Retaliation, look elsewhere. This film offends me. Not like the first did. It offends me in its own distinctive way. I so want to throw my support behind GI Joe's new endeavors. I really do. Quite desperately. But I cannot. I can only add to the deafening roar of hate mail and pray all is not lost for the GI Joe live action realm. But my hope is fading fast.

In a very broad, early swipe, it is evident that the makers of this sequel were never going to try and defy the B-grade action movie box the first film fit. With Saturday morning cartoon plot, weak scripting, disjointed pace and often times cringeworthy character development, this was hardly going to be the film that elevated our hobby into critical acclaim. The least it could have done was be truer to its source. And on that score it was hit and miss.

Let's begin with my biggest gripe - characters. At the top, we have the team leaders. For the Joes, Roadblock. It's an interesting choice, and it does actually work. It works primarily because they collapsed Roadblock and other Afro-American Joe, Stalker. The field commander savvy; the gang connections; the father angle... these are all associations the fanbase have with Stalker. And chalking up the Roadblock marks, we have 'chef', 'big black guy' and big gun. Regardless, he's calling the shots now that Duke is dead and Hawk is inexplicably omitted.

For the Cobra's, things are a little less clear. Okay, it's a no-brainer to say Cobra Commander is in charge. But is he really the central villain? Gratefully the bedpan mask is gone, replaced by a very cool look with a classic silver faceplated helmet and black leather. But exactly what did Cobra Commander do in the course of the film? Escape, threaten the world, escape. And boy can the man strut with style in slo-mo. It's a wonder Firefly and Storm Shadow endeavored to rescue him in the first place- the sole contribution to Cobra's master plan that old CC made was push a red button.

Good films set up a balance of good and evil; superb films garner sympathy for their antagonist. I must say I felt nothing for Cobra Commander. And I wished I could. For so many fans, CC is a firm favourite. I fear the only thing this representation nailed was the look. Firefly proved to be the more spotlit villain and had the swagger to match. I must say I did enjoy his portrayal, and there were some parallels to the Dreadnoks which in spite of myself I actually liked. The canonical Firefly is a mystery who never removes his mask and is not ostentatious about his work. In the words of his 1984 filecard "...no one has ever reported seeing him enter or leave any target area". The film version is anything but discreet with his robotic firefly explosive calling card, leather biker look and steady patter. I suppose you sometimes need to go outside of canon to stand out among a bevvy of mysterious ninja-types. Destro had a non-role. The Baroness even less. Zartan could have been a more potent villain, but they killed him off in the most anticlimactic showdown in Joe history. And of course, Storm Shadow did his old trick and switch sides.

Rounding out the Joe team we had Snake Eyes, adequately portrayed I guess. They weren't up to doing anything too far out with him, so glorified stuntman in a mask is all Ray Park was to be. Challenge to make a mute ninja anything more than two-dimensional duly declined.

Duke was a joke, and not a funny one. It seems the additional scenes of Channing Tatum are all intended to be lighthearted and comical. I did not find them in the least bit funny. So naturally I feel like they were a waste of time and down right insulting. To have the supposed leader of the Joes engage in some rather clumsy repartee with Roadblock about videogames and marksmanship, babysitting and karaoke no doubt had the aim of giving the film a lighter touch and a bit of heart, especially considering Duke's pending death. But since Tatum's portrayal of Duke is so far off any of the qualities I had ever associated with the tough as nails GI Joe First Shirt, I just closed my eyes and prayed for it to stop. Tatum's Duke is petulant, pretty and puerile. He seems to still be the rookie-with-potential character he was in the first film, and hasn't demonstrated the kind of growth into leadership the prologue suggests. I think the biggest joke was his casting in the first place. With all the retconning going into Retaliation, an audience would easily accept a recast. The counter argument proffered by the filmmakers is that his star was on the rise and that he would drive traffic to the box office. I'd buy that. If they didn't kill him off within the first fifteen minutes.

Flint was a parkour master who didn't seem to leave me with the impression of any more education or breeding than Roadblock. I agree that Lady Jaye should show him up in the intelligence stakes. I just don't think they should have made it that easy. Between him and Duke, I have a hard time figuring out which is the bigger dimwit. Lady Jaye herself was easy on the eye, gratuitous shots of her in garments of the low-cut, form-fitting variety will keep horny fanboys titillated. She got to show off her smarts and gave us some insight into her daddy issues. Tender moments like that, while appreciated, did seem to jar a bit. Hey this filum has it all! High drama and everything! Jaye wants to prove herself to her dead dad! Genius! Shoehorn that in!

Okay. It's not all bad. I thought Storm Shadow was dead on. A triumph. His uneasy alliance with the Joes explained so succinctly thus: 'I am not with you. But for once I am not against you'. And his hatred for Snake-Eyes was justifiably, albeit briefly exposed. Looking back over the film's arc, it is true to say that Snake-Eyes was the aggressor. Storm Shadow the hunted. Every bit the tortured warrior the comics tried to portray, not the two-dimensional white punching-bag for Snake-Eyes.

Finally, old war horse Joe Colton. I distinctly felt like Bruce Willis stuck to the formula of Bruce Willis acting, because I'm sure there were days on set when he thought: "what the fuck am I doing? This is such a simple piece of shit". That said, he is always a compelling performer. And God knows it must have taken some strong compulsion to get himself thru this shoot. But he's a pro. I enjoyed him.
Plot wise there are a few issues that plague me. The opening action sequences are pretty un-PC for one. And this is a major issue I take with the film. It's the reason I opened with a bastardized version of GI Joe's old mission statement. We open with a rather confusing infiltration of North Korea, rather serious business which the Joes seem to joke their way through (Tatum is soooo funny); a rescue of a single hostage we are offered no clue as to the value of; and then a giant Fuck You to the North Koreans in the form of the GI Joe flag being raised on their pole. Way to go, piss off the most ludicrous military regime in the world. Not too savvy on the Joes' part, and a clear demonstration of the insubordination that seems to go down on a regular basis. 

Next we have them invade yet another sovereign nation at the behest of an impersonator president - Pakistan. The Joes attack a nuclear weapons site, waste the security and steal the warheads. Did I mention they were invading sovereign territory? Murdering that nation's armed forces with no provocation?  Seems like an open invitation to start a war. And it makes my blood boil. I thought Joes were the good guys. 

Now here's the rub.

It is a soldier's sworn duty under international law to disobey orders that are patently illegal. This is why the 'following orders' was not an accepted defense at war tribunals at Nuremberg for instance. GI Joe is an elite military organisation that has in the past demonstrated a degree of autonomy and discretion. Which is why we see in the comic books story arcs where the Joes defy power hungry military leaders within the American military machine. The Joes are smart, ethical, Real American Heroes, who have sworn to defend the Constitution from enemies foreign and domestic. Which is why it offends me that in this film they are portrayed as shoot-first, ask questions later, gung-ho imbeciles who don't have a second thought about confirming Colonel Brekov's claim that they are the 'Running-Dog Lackeys of Imperialist Aggression'. I wonder how viewers in Pakistan felt about having their troops shot to pieces by the Joes. The troops in question were very cleverly designed so as to not look like a national army. So that in the eyes of most viewers we'd just associate them with 'baddie', 'terrorist', 'insurgent' and 'Muslim'. Way to go Joe, enforce cultural stereotyping. It's insulting and unsophisticated writing. To be fair, in this piece, the Joes are the bad guys. Following the illegal orders of an impostor president acting with no oversight or consideration. They deserved to have their command terminated with extreme prejudice. And in the immortal words of Jay Zee, should '...accept their fate'.

But a handful survive and set out to atone for their sins by exposing said impostor president and eliminating him. Massive case of locking the gate after the horse has bolted, but hey, there's your plot folks. Joe fucks up, Joe goes rogue, Joe makes good. Throw in the standard doomsday weapon and you've got a movie that you cannot think too hard about. Which I have no doubt done. I guess it's too much to ask for a film portraying characters and concepts so near and dear to my heart to do more than give me big explosions and cool combat. So let me stop ranting and actually focus on what I liked in Retaliation. And since this article is looking waaaaay too dense, I'll do it in point form.

1. Vehicle designs. We're not going to see a single movie-accurate vehicle toy, I know. But they were terrific and make my heart ache a bit. Each and every one a winner. First prize would have been to actually make toy accurate vehicles based on say, the Tomahawk, Moccasin, Rattler, HiSS. That's the nostalgia junkie in me talking. But this is a pretty close second, and I'll gladly take it. My best? The HiSS tanks. Too bad they were so rapidly dispatched by Roadblock, I would have loved to see them do some damage.
2. Ninja duels. The fight choreography all-round was commendable. Firefly and Roadblock had some pretty intense combat (and a bit of gun-fu, silly, but fun to watch nevertheless). Of course Snake and Storm's showdown was excellent. Two masters in the field of film combat going at it with shurikens, guns, blades, sais, feet and hands, was a real treat. only to be followed by my personal high point of the movie...
3. ...the mountain zip line sequence. I don't think there has ever been an action sequence like it and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The retroactive 3D processing assisted the already stunning visuals and did not detract in any way.
4. Adrianne Palicki. Woo hoo.

From top to bottom, we have a poster in London, South Africa and Singapore. Yes ladies and gents, the name of this film was clearly GI Joe 3D. Classy...