eBay Rant

Whoo boy, I gotta get this all down while I still have all this booze, adrenaline and blind rage in me. I was on eBay tonight.

But then again, I'm on eBay every night. Every day. All the time. It's a sickness I've developed.

I have also developed certain beliefs in ways to corner better deals.

First, buy local. If ever I am in the northern hemisphere for work or play, having items shipped to me there is a great way to save on postage. Also if the auction does not allow for international shipping, it's a great way to cut down competition. For example, a seller in the UK who only ships to the UK will spare you all the competing Yanks.

Second, search general. You'll get fewer competing bids on misnamed or poorly categorized items.

Third. Snipe like a motherfucker. That means, don't bid early. In the age of high speed internet when you can literally watch the seconds tick off that timer in real time, why bid before the final ten seconds? I became an eBay user (eBuser?) in the age of dial up. Meaning you'd dial up once to bid the day before and once again to check if you won or not. Sniping involves going in fast, going in once, and going in big. Yeah. You heard right.

For a week I have watched an auction. It was located in the UK. It was available only to buyers in the UK. It was poorly named. I was gonna snipe it like a motherfucker. It was Tiger Force Outback and it was love.

So I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. I went to sleep most nights that week looking at that figure. I woke up most mornings and the first thing I looked at was the auction. It only had this to compete with.

So did I win? Are you expecting a tale of sadness and heartbreak? Did I win?

Yes. Of course I won. I'm a master sniper with more experience than sense... if that makes any sense. I went in with an initial limit of 16 quid.

Within the last ten seconds I was outbid. Crushing.

I countered by putting in a competing bid of a whopping 22.50 Pound Sterling. And at the closing bell I was the leading bidder at £21. Stoke.

It was no longer a bargain bin price, but I didn't care. The sweet syrup of victory was pouring out of my ears. Just ask my girlfriend. She was napping in my lap at the time and got syruped. To combat my morning-after, inevitable buyers remorse, I Paypal-ed my payment immediately. Haggered, 25 Pound poorer, but virtuously virtually victorious, I retired to the last half of a Man United/Liverpool game (since when do I actually watch football?)

But before I could shake off my rushing post-bid emotions, I received this:

I swear, not even 20 minutes before the close of auction this shit-for-brains had refunded my money and shunted my prize off to the runner-up. Didn't think to contact me first about the 'confusion'. Rather just cut me out of the loop completely, the fuckwit. Then, try to convince me it was my fault for not contacting the seller up front about where the item should be sent to, when in actual fact my default address has been in the United Kingdom for over two months! I have had eight parcels sent there over the last two months with no confusion. No additional communication to clarify. Nada. So this D-bag unilaterally decides to cancel my righteous victory? You know what I say to that?

And you best believe this pimple on the face of humanity had 100% positive feedback before she crossed me.

Rant done.

NINTENDO

GI Joe. Nintendo. Two words that take me back to a very much simpler and very happy time. Videogaming and action figures were at the center of my childhood. I'd argue that most kids would play videogames all day and only got out the shoebox of action figures when mom told them to "switch off the television before your eyes got square". You're full of it mom. The 30 year-old me would have a thing or two to say to the 8 year-old me, because that is some righteous B.S right there. I ain't no squared-eye, twitchy, Nintendo addict, dammit!

My priorities were always the toys though. I was the kid who would dabble in a videogame or two merely for inspiration before turning my attention to my action figures to act out the action. Them oldskool games were as good a place as any to offer a jump-off point for your back yard adventures as any TV show, film, or book. If you are reading this, maybe you tell a similar tale.

Perhaps it was my ineptitude at getting anywhere in those old 8-bit shooters. Granted, I was rubbish. But they were all massively challenging tests of minuscule hand-eye co-ordinations. Helluva unforgiving too. Once your 'continues' were exhausted, it was back to the title screen for you.

Another factor was the abundance of titles. By the time I was old enough to play Contra, Mario, Islander, Double Dragon or whatever, my friends and I were spoiled for choice. With our pooled collections, you would seldom sit down with one game and 'clock' it to completion; you would hop from cartridge to cartridge with impatient zeal. The games were simplistic, with an easily understood playing style and objective, and you pretty much got all you wanted out of it within the first two or three levels. There was no multi-layered storyline pulling you along. No major cut-scene payoff if you beat the last boss. You were lucky if you were greeted with a new graphic and some text after completion. Some of my greatest disappointments had to have been witnessing the completion of a game followed by no more fanfare than a return to the beginning, with a slightly increased skill setting. BOOOOORING.

But give me a game were the player and enemies are all existing GI Joe toys and I am immediately transfixed. Taxan's GI Joe was such a thing of rare beauty for me. Holy shit. It was an unremarkable shooter, but will be remembered with legendary status by this fan. I hear the theme tune, and all of a sudden I'm an 8 year-old again. I'd play with GI Joe on the TV, then with my figures in the garden, then back on the TV, then on the kitchen counter, the couch, the pool...

...I'm not 8 anymore. I'm a nigh 30 manchild. I still proudly play with my Joes when life isn't pushing down too hard. You want proof? Here you are.

Level 1: The Amazon

Level 2: Antarctica

Level 3: New York Sewers

     

Korea!

So I'm in the Republic of Korea. For two and a half months. In winter. As one does.

This place is a dead zone as far as GI Joe is concerned, hardly surprising as post-Retaliation GI Joe market presence seems less than zero. Add to that the fact that this place is a dead zone for action figures in general. Hardly any superhero toys is Toys R Us, in spite of a large section advertising superhero toys... The products available typically only get as far as those ridiculous Spidey (half) masks. You're not fooling anyone kiddo. Less so if you're running around with a canister of silly string strapped to your forearm.

If I was a Gundam fan I'd be in Nirvana.

That's Nirvana in the Buddhist sense.

Just checking.

 Hell, if I was hard to the 1.5 billion Power Ranger knock-offs Ban Dai is responsible for, I'd be similarly happy.

They're colourful, sweet toys. And no points for guessing whether Red Ranger is the most popular or not.

There are also a few decent Transformers to be had. And being in the East always gets my Transformers-itch scratch-worthy. Something about blind boxes and additional surprise accessories get me giddy.

Not to mention the ready availability of the Masterpiece Black Convoy. If that means nothing to you, it's essentially the most premium format of Optimus Prime but done in black and affiliated to the Decepticons. And it's notable Youtube Transformer reviewer Thew's best TF of 2013. So it should be aaaaight. I found an F-86 Sabre in the 1/18 scale done by a company called Merit. It's worth buying, and will forever be linked to GI Joe for me as Hawk pilots one in issue 3 of the original Marvel Comics run. I love it when the most technologically advanced fighting force of the 1980's is forced to use outdated equipment and vehicles. It also happens to be my favourite jet in fact.

Dang. As I write this my need for purchasing that model grows. I don't anticipate it'll be cheap.

But after two weeks this is all I can report on the Seoul toy scene. Nothing approaching the proliferation of new toys, weird nik naks and vintage goodness you'd find before too long in places like Singapore and Hong Kong. It's a good thing I brought some friends.

Anticipating a drought, I packed some old and a few newer ones. The winter setting prompted me to bring my very old Ice Viper along. He was definitely one of my first ten figures from ARAH. He's accompanied by the '85 Snow Serpent I actually only got last year. Two Cobra Officers to call the shots, and a Frag Viper. Why a Frag Viper? Because he showed up in the snow level of the 1990 Taxan videogame of course! And you know who else showed up in that level?


BLIZZARD

 This guy fell into obscurity. Snow Job is the memorable one, thanks mainly to the Sunbow Cartoon. Iceberg also has Sunbow to thank for some notoriety. They turned him into an Orca and stuff. Sub Zero got some DIC love. But Blizzard fell between the two eras and all he has for exposure is the old 8-bit sidescroller, in which he was a bit of a one-trick pony. He shone in the one ice level where he led the three-man team and was as a result a compulsory character. But his stats excelled in nothing and like the arctic troops in our collections he did not leave the toy box very often. A pity really. Because he's the coolest of the lot.

ARAH was not big on figure customisability. There was one figure with webgear. Only one with a removable functional holster. The extent of changing the physical appearance was typically backpack or no backpack. And what gun you placed in the hand. If you were lucky, the helmet was removable. And it's that latter category that Blizzard stands alone.

 Snow Job was a fine figure, if a little basic. The same is true of his more detailed replacement, Iceberg. But none have removable helmets. It's damaging to a figure in a sense when they always look like they mean business. Sometimes the most suspenseful play consisted of the down time between missions. Day to day, base stuff. I want to see my protagonist's eyes, dammit!

The figure is a very satisfying, more so than his predecessors I'd say. The torso has a good heft to it because of the padded snow jacket. A sculpted hood is displayed in it's rolled down condition. Which is nice as removing a helmet only to reveal a hooded head is something that should be reserved for Cobra forces (30th anniversary Airtight, I'm looking at YOOOOO!). He's got an appealing mix of colours which serve to bring out the details - if you could unclip his knife and sheath, web belt, knee and thigh pads he'd be clad in a plain white ski suit with a caramel streak down the front. There's a little vanilla in the form of a polar bear and lightning bolt insignia on his left shoulder. He's got the determined look of a dedicated operative who means business. No goofy grin or outrageous sculpted facial fuzz. Its a winning sculpt.

See the sculpted loop next to his canteen? The hole in the loop is brought out by white paint. Yes pilgrims, the designers were so intent on that detail that they sanctioned a daub of paint for it. White paint on a white Joe. Who cares right? Well, I can't help but be both stupefied and impressed.

But my favourite bit of scupting has got to be the gauntlets. Left wrist has a chunky timepiece or maybe a compass and both sides have padding on the back of the hand. Don't know what it's for, but I've always liked the look of them. Another mystery would be the pads on the thighs. The same pattern is repeated on the right bicep. It appears to be a grille. Perhaps he can open the pads to get some cool air into the suit if he's really exerting himself and needs to cool down. I've got a snow jacket with unzippable vents, but nothing resembling a raised black grille. Mysterious!

The accessories tick almost all the boxes and even include a gimmick. He's got skis; he's got snowshoes. Both can be mounted on his backpack for storage, at the same time. He has an uzi with a stock and an extended barrel and an oversized Colt .45 and both are done in white plastic with sculpted camo bindings. I take issue with this approach, particularly on the .45 as wrapping it in white cloth would surely interfere with the slide's action, causing the gun to jam? Even the bolt on the Uzi might become interrupted if a piece of rag gets trapped in there. But as far as camo is concerned, you could poke either of these weapons out from under your blind and not likely be detected... until it was too late. The helmet is an attractive sculpt which looks like it has a built in radio headset and will keep Blizzard's nose from freezing. I imagine if the temperature really dipped, he'd pull the sculpted hood over his head, seal it tightly, and wear the helmet over that. But I'm still glad he's sculpted this way.

As mentioned, the figure has a gimmick, like so many of the figures of his era. It's centered around the backpack. The skis and snowshoes peg into both front and back of the pack, depending on your preference. But when you attach the ski's to the backpeg side, the backpack's true purpose is revealed.

It's a rocket-powered toboggan.

With two separate (and easily lost) throttle handles complete with brake handles (are you saying this thing has a braking system?), a padded seat (?), a rocket exhaust engine and even armament in the form of a sculpted gun and what appears to be a grenade launcher, it's a one-man arctic ONSLAUGHT!

Er, not quite.

If you ask me this was a bit of piss poor design that cost the figure. Blizzard would be perfectly serviceable and perhaps better off with a standard white backpack for survival goodies and ski/shoe storage. But he forgoes such sensibilities by rocking up with this. Apart from robbing him of much needed arctic supplies, the primary criticisms of this thing are thus:

The deck isn't long enough. When he is grasping the handles, the lower half of his body is over the edge of the surface.

The underside of the skis sit higher than the backpeg. So wherever you go, you'll be grinding away at that peg.

The rocket exhaust is right below Blizzard's nuts. With temperatures cold enough to give you a second bellybutton, you might think that's a bonus. You'd think that for a precious few seconds before your guys get singed to a painful, blistered mess. That is, if you aren't already on fire by then.

Blizzard was a toy that always fascinated me as a child. No-one I knew owned him. Maybe it was the stigma of snow-toys in a country that seldom if ever saw snow, and certainly not enough to play in sufficiently. But I always wondered how the backpack would form some kind of mini-vehicle. I know how now. And boy was it a letdown. But ignore the gimmick. In spite of it, this is still my favourite snow Joe. I recommend him over gingerbeard, Orcaman and ... damn, can't think of a funny handle for Sub Zero. But Blizzard is better 'an him.

Fin.

   

AWE Striker

I passed this toy up for a very long time.

The reasons, if I can recount them and marvel at their absurdity were the following:

1. It looked like a little toy buggy;
2.  It only held a driver and single passenger; 
3. It had one gun and not a great deal of features.

Allow me to obliterate these points one by one. Firstly, to say it looked like a little toy buggy is to level criticism at one of it's greatest advantages. It is small, powerful and compact. And in the final analysis, perfectly scaled. It's not suffering from the oversizing that one could argue the Ferret does, being a quad bike with similar dimensions to a VW Beetle. Don't get me started on that other stalwart of Honey I Blew Up The Toy, the Deadnok Cycle. It'll devastate ya.

The AWE Striker scales well with other Joe vehicles of the time and occupies a vital niche as a very light two-man all terrain vehicle. You could jam four of these comfortably into a C-130. Even a Chinook or Osprey could deploy them. And thanks to Chap Mei, we have such toys.

Point #2 is a bit trite. But a fair argument. When you're in the market for a jeep, you want to be able to transport four figures at the least, right? For a long time that is why I always vetoed the AWE Striker in favour of something like the Desert Fox 6WD. Well guess what, if you are in a bind and need to ferry a four man squad in or out of a combat zone, the AWE Striker still delivers. Broad side sills with footpegs offer room for troops and gear.

 Hell, they can even have a seat on the mudguards and hang onto the antenna mounts for dear life. Granted, the Striker is gonna start looking a little crowded, but it's all part of it's very utilitarian design, and I like the look of a laden AWE Striker.

Number three is the most ignorant of all the dismissals of this beauty. For its size, the sheer number of design elements is staggering. Working from front to back,

Clear plastic lights. Gorgeous touch there, and one that didn't stick around much passed 1985. A hallmark of that year's toys like the Snowcat, Silver Mirage and Moray.

Real working front suspension and turning front wheels. Both function supremely well, and without springs. They are robust functions and look and feel like the real thing. Already this is shaping up to be a beautifully designed and intricate toy folks.

Highly detailed crew section. The steering wheel has the look of an aircraft yoke. Or Kitt. But it doesn't turn. Wouldn't be able to with a figure's legs in the way anyway.

 

The gun cam offers a plausible way to control the top mounted recoilless cannon.

The VAMP's turrets were always a head scratcher and the comic inconsistently placed a gunner behind it sometimes; other times not. Here we see a successful attempt to explain remote control of a turret - the crewman lines a target up with the camera, hits that 'fire' button, the target 'goes away'. The fact that they design incorporates the infamous black hose to link the camera and gun is pure vanilla.

Rear suspension. While slightly less successful than the front, it's a welcome inclusion. It's not quite as springy as there is more weight at the rear of the vehicle, so I feel some extra friction is needed to raise the chassis up a bit more and beat the sag. The removable engine cover is a Joe standard at this point in the line. 

What is not standard however is the completely removable engine. Brilliant.

 And if you thought that was cool and clever, only two years later we received a mobile workshop diorama complete with spare engine.

Now that's some impressive synergy.

Because of the added loop for Greased Lightnin' crane action, you can't snap the cover in place. Meh. 

I love so much about this vehicle. There is so much to love. The forethought and attention to detail that has been focussed into this diminutive piece of toy perfection never ceases to amaze me. There is even joy in the mundane. The wheels are two-piece with green hubs and dark grey tyres. That's pretty standard up to 1985. But unlike the VAMP or APC, the Striker's tyres aren't hollow. And get this, since they're not molded onto squeaky metal axles, you can remove and interchange them. The perfect toy? Quite possibly.

Crankcase is another gem. An infinitely better figure to Clutch in molding and paint apps (FANTASTIC gold Eagle belt buckle, and silver Pegasus design on his sleeve). He will sadly always occupy a place in obscurity. Hence no picture. I'm spiteful like that. And so is Clutch. Clutch will never relinquish his spot as the Joe's most memorable wheelman;

and also Crankcase is dead.

But he's a pretty sexy looking corpse of a figure, let me just say.

And his rifle is possibly one of my favourite vintage weapons. And they gave it to a vehicle driver?! That's how cool GI Joe was in 1985.  Look how sexily it fits into the basket on the side:

Crankcase can totally wield that big old battle rifle left handed if he wants to. Because he's hard.

And dead.

Rugger Bugger

Did you know he was called 'Captain Rugby' in Europe? True story. Not sure if that makes him more or less cool. But what is cool about this figure?

Number 1:
He flat-out rocks the party in the Nintendo Entertainment System GI Joe videogame by Taxan. With the most potent hand-to-hand stats and a fearsome spread weapon (which appears to fire footballs), the Captain was a pretty permanent fixture on everyone's three man team. While the game insisted the leader position be shuffled about, you'd be silly not to have this guy as a mainstay.

Number 2:
Accessory count.

Helmet
Visor
Rocket Launcher
Rocket
Rocket
Rocket
Rocket
Backpack
Football Grenade
Football Grenade
Football Grenade
Elbow Pad
Elbow Pad
Big Fuckin' Gun

Cheeky double and triple counting gives us a grand total of 14 individual accessories. And they're outrageous without being spring loaded. This guy brings the pain. All day long. Love that removable helmet with flip-down visor. Love. The amount of Hi Ex this guy packs is off the chart. Grid Iron hunts Terrordromes. Dead.



Number 3:
He can carry all of this stuff.

The pads, grenades, pack, helmet - all worn. Leaving his hands free to caress his 4-shot rocket launcher and baddass shotgun. He's ready to shoot down both halves of a Cobra Condor and blow the shit out of the Aero-Vipers after they thought they'd parachute to safety.

1990 represents the last year of real thoughtfulness and good taste behind a character's gear, before it all became about the spring launchers. Neon.'Sprue guns'.

Yes. 'Good taste' is what I called this much maligned character's accessories. Grid Iron's stuff is all uniquely his (football grenades? You better believe nobody's used them since). I like to think of them less as 'football grenades' and more like 'really, really big grenades'. At least that must mean he has a helluva good throwing arm... Right?

Why does he get bad press? It's not like he's wearing a red football jersey. The Captain's yellow pants are a bit garish, I'll admit. As for the rest, he looks like he's rocking an oldskool Vietnam-era flack vest over a cool, digi-camo sweater. Cut off gloves are pure vanilla.

Armed with enough stuff to start a war and as an integral part of the NES team, I had to have him. Expect to see more of this guy on the site.

Swampmasher

I did a tally not too long ago of which production years I had the highest number of vehicle purchases in. I'm no completionist, but without intending it, I have every G.I. Joe vehicle produced in 1988, save for the Mean Dog. Still trying to twist my friend Paul's arm for his. I suppose it was just a good year. Somewhat of a vehicle reboot year, I'd say. There was a new jeep, new APC, new jet, new assault vehicles, new oddballs. By oddballs, I refer to the RPV and Swampmasher.

The RPV is still an anomaly. The blueprints suggest it's just basically a missile launcher.

 Boring.

To me, the name Remote Piloted Vehicle suggests that it is a drone launcher, used for flying and spying. At least that way it carves out its own niche. Because let's face it, is there a G.I. Joe vehicle in existence that doesn't fire a missile? Or seven?

The Swampmasher has a pretty narrow niche too. And a pretty unique gimmick. But what the hell does it do?

Mash swamps, that's what.

It's small, low-slung, possesses an absurdly large primary weapon and carries three personnel and not much else. No room for gear. Or fuel. Or ammo. It does have a tow hook, but I doubt many towable items would be able to travel the terrain this thing is built for. Boasting a 4.3 litre, 350 brake horse power engine I suppose this would make for a pretty utilitarian tractor for use around a base. Combine a massively overpowered engine with its diminutive size, the 'Masher is not designed with range in mind. She's built to get into an inaccessible place, get concealed and lie in ambush.

I don't care much for the ordinance. I only have one of the two 'magnetic array detection bombs' and their presence is not terribly thought-through. They jut out further than the vehicle's bull-bar and that seems like a liability on a vehicle designed to rampage through unforgiving environments.

And the wheel gimmick? It's unique, but doesn't function as smoothly as I'd like. I can't find any real-life examples of this setup that isn't attached to luggage. How the axles and drive-train functions is a mystery. Pretty impressive universal joints in play there, as this would have to be a twelve wheel-drive vehicle in order to achieve the feats it intends. The 'tyres' claw-like appearance seem to clog a little too easily with the kind of swamp fauna it's likely to encounter. All told, I'd rather four large balloon tires. That would make this just a big quad. No fun, right?

Aaaaand just when you thought this hunk of mint and grape flavour couldn't get any tastier, celebrity customizer Fireflyed does this:

Yuck. Why does this guy have to come along and make all my toys look silly?